My first Valentine’s Day/birthday gift to my wife, Jamie, was a hilarious disaster. As a broke graduate/seminary student, I saved up for several months to make a statement with a cute ring I had seen at a local Zale’s jewelry store. It wasn’t a promise ring; it was just a ring with a cute zig zag on the side that caught my attention (along with the pretty red heart shaped stone in the setting). Lo and behold, when I slipped it on Jamie’s finger in romantic dramatic fashion saying “I love you” at our picnic lunch (because picnics are cheap) she looked at it from the top and said “Oh, I love you… ‘MOM’?” To my horror, the zig zag pattern on either side of the setting was really an “M” and the stone formed what looked like the word “MOM.” Quite an impression when you’ve only been dating six months. Twenty years later, it is a funny story for us, but it points to the age-old question around birthdays and holidays: “What should I give my spouse?”
Over the years, I have gotten a little better at giving gifts, but I have also discovered that the momentary excitement of a physical object does not compare to the joy and satisfaction that comes with a gift that is tied deeply to my wife’s heart. So, in this Valentine’s season, consider a simple gift that keeps on giving throughout the year.
Give the Gift of Connection by noticing “Bids”
“Bids” are a unique term coined by Doctors John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Research Institute, who have studied marriage and relationships for over 30 years.1 As they worked with couples, they noticed small requests or invites between spouses and partners for attention, affection, affirmation, and appreciation. These “bids” only lasted about a second but there was a definite cue, followed by a pause for response and then life continued on.
So what is the big deal with a “bid”? When the “bid” was noticed and responded to, there was a positive measurable physiological response, and in most cases the couple went back to what they were doing or talking about before. Later, however, when the couples were working together on an issue in their relationship or dealing with conflict, those who had previously noticed and consistently responded to each other’s bids were more likely to clue in on what their partner was asking for or needing. This would lead to deeper connection, teamwork in endeavors together, and quicker resolution of their conflict.
Bids can come as questions, observations, and subtle touches, and by noticing bids, you connect with your spouse’s heart—not in a dramatic or grand fashion, but in a simple but profound, caring manner. The beauty of responding to bids is that it doesn’t require much. Simply give your spouse an acknowledgement that you see them. It doesn’t always require action…just attention.
Give the Gift of Care by Serving Your Spouse
What next? Consider the amazing description Jesus gives of God the Father’s care for His people in the Gospel of Luke 12:22-32 NLT:
Then, turning to his disciples, Jesus said, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. Look at the ravens. They do not plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry cannot accomplish a little thing like that, what is the use of worrying over bigger things?
“Look at the lilies and how they grow. They do not work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
“And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Do not worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.
“So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.
Luke 12:22-32 NLT
Notice the applicational principle here for our marriages. God knows our relational/personal needs, and He cares and provides for our practical needs. We have the opportunity to learn our spouse’s needs (by noticing “bids”) and then caring for them by being action-oriented to meet their needs.
Paying attention to the important little things provides significance and security and enables your spouse to say “I matter to you, and I am connected to you (not alone).” Proactively serving our spouses with the little things provides them with strength and the opportunity to say “I am empowered by you.” These relational needs go all the way back to humanity’s creation by our Creator, and they drive our fundamental motivations for everything in life. God meets these in our lives, and we can be a conduit and catalyst to do so as well.
Getting Started
There is a good chance you celebrated Valentine’s last week. You probably did your usual personal traditions or the gave the classic gifts of candy, cards, or flowers. Still, we’d like to suggest that you take a few minutes this week to ask a few simple questions of your spouse. Ask the questions, and just listen (but do not forget to plan to follow through).
- Question Set #1
- What are the three most important things I need to know about you in the months ahead?
- And how can I notice when these things come up?
- How do you ask me to notice?
- Question #2
- How can I best respond to, encourage, or support you in these moments?
Over the years, we may learn how to give the right gift, card, or flowers, or pull off a great stunt. However, just as your heavenly Father cares for you, you can also care for your spouse with ever-growing connection. (And don’t forget to check out all the details on the gift before you give it!)
You can also connect with them on social media:
- YouTube: The Rooted Marriage
- Facebook: The Rooted Marriage
- Instagram: @therootedmarriage
- The Gottman Institute. 2022. Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids. [online] Available at: <https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/> [Accessed 17 February 2022].
