Six years ago, my brain chemistry radically changed. Most likely, permanently. I’m constantly adjusting and getting used to the new me. Depression and my tendency to head toward that dark place are now a permanent presence inside me. I’m still coming to grips with it, to be honest. I can remember when my counselor said, “Honey, you will probably always need medication to manage this.” It was the truth, said with compassion and respect, but it radically changed my view of myself. I had been defeated. I couldn’t simply will myself out of this pit. There was no picking myself up by my bootstraps and pushing through.
I have a better perspective now. God has rescued me time and again, but that rescue didn’t release me from my depression and anxiety. However, He has done so much more, and so I will share some of that with you.
Postpartum depression was the biggest surprise of my life.
In the middle of newborn snuggles and baby heaven with the birth of my second child, I found myself sinking into a pit. My symptoms weren’t what I expected, and it took awhile to realize what was happening to me. I was paranoid, short-tempered, and although I didn’t have trouble connecting with my newborn, I feared the worst would happen. It wasn’t long until I could barely get out of bed, and my nights were spent weeping while I did middle-of-the-night feeds.
My mind was consumed with terrible thoughts that centered around my identity as a mother. Satan had become a master of concealing his lies so convincingly that it looked more like the truth than the truth actually did. Let us always remember, Satan thrives in darkness. I believe firmly my depression is not from Satan. Nothing is allowed by God or given to us by God that doesn’t have a purpose and a plan. My depression is a physical, chemical imbalance that I manage with medication and counseling, but that I also know has been allowed by God to enter my life. And that is where the hope is!
Satan had simply found a weak spot and learned how to use it to crumble me. I may never understand why this difficulty has been given to me, but over the years I have embraced it more and more. Out of all the things I’ve been dealt, none has been as debilitating as this. The brain is a powerful thing, and I was unprepared to handle it. On good days, my depression weakens me but turns me toward God and puts my reliance and hope in Him alone. Many days, my depression doesn’t show up at all! At its worst, I’ve experienced panic attacks and been unable to deal with life going on around me, often retreating in defeat. Medication keeps me from deep lows but has its own unwelcome side effects. Depression sometimes feels like a runaway train that can become nearly impossible to stop.
The thousands of questions and thoughts that seemed to plague me each day in the midst of depression:
Am I a good mom? Why don’t I cook more? Why is my house a wreck? Should I clean more? Exercise more? Eat less? Get more done? Tackle more projects? Do I work enough? Work too little? How do I become a better wife? Friend? Am I a disappointment? I am not worthy of my husband. He will probably leave me over this. I am broken. God has given me children who deserve more than I can give them. If others could see me, they would know it’s all a farce. What people think of me is not who actually exists. This is all just a counterfeit life. If anyone saw who I really was- a failure- then they wouldn’t trust me to serve, wouldn’t want to be my friend, and would look at me in disappointment. Why is God so far away from me? Why is He silent and distant? Why is He allowing this to continue? This was supposed to be “postpartum” and my daughter is now 6. If I have Jesus, why do I need medication? Do I not have enough faith?
That is what my depression says. But what does God say? What does His voice sound like? How do I come back to the truth?
God has given me so many tools to remind me of the truth. He has been incredibly faithful! We are never truly stuck. I have read and re-read sections of the Psalms where David, in total despair, wrote words that pierced me deeply.
“Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper, I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.Psalm 69:1-3
Rescue me from the mud;
don’t let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me,
and pull me from these deep waters.
Don’t let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.
Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
for your mercy is so plentiful.
Don’t hide from your servant;
answer me quickly,
for I am in deep trouble!”Psalm 69:14-17
And then Psalm 143:
I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
I remember the days of old.
I ponder all Your great works
and think about what You have done.
I lift my hands to You in prayer.
I thirst for You as parched land thirsts for rain.Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me, or I will die.
Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting You.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to You.Psalm 143:4-8
It hit me. One of the many purposes for having David carefully and vulnerably record these thoughts was so I could read them thousands of years later. David, this great king, who is in the very lineage of Christ, struggled with the same thing I do. God was thinking of ME. He cared enough to go before me and make sure that David’s words were recorded in a way that would speak to me. I know this pit! I’ve been this desperate! I have been at the very end of my rope. But GOD. God saw me. Out of His great abundance of love, He looks at me and only sees the truth of who I am and who He created me to be. I can take comfort that I’m a part of a suffering fellowship, a list of those who are deeply devoted to Christ and yet deal with this darkness and, by extension, doubt that God could love them and use them.
I pray sometimes that God would take this from me. Life is certainly easier without depression. But I’ve gotten more comfortable with knowing this may stick around. For many, PPD is a very temporary experience. For some of us, it lasts years or a lifetime. However, as with so many of us who have walked with God, I wouldn’t remove this experience from my story now. Through it, I learned how to pray. In the darkest times, often in the middle of the night, I would rock my daughter for hours while I tried to pray. It was there that Jesus met me, weeping and vulnerable and broken. My thoughts streamed out of me like a huge puzzle of jumbled pieces, and I knew that my desperate prayers and words made absolutely no earthly sense.
And then Jesus interceded. He scooped up my brokenness and spoke to God for me. He took my messiness and made sense of it all. That is when the veil for me has been the thinnest, and I knew I was speaking directly to the throne of Heaven and I had God’s total attention. He heard me, and He still hears me. He saw me in my darkest moments, and He STILL sees me. He is El Roi, the God who sees. I also know now, with confidence, what His voice sounds like. I know I am a dearly loved child of God. And now, most days, I can rest comfortably in that. I find that truth, lock eyes with my Savior, and don’t let go.
Friends, Jesus loves you too. Even though you may not have clinical depression, when you doubt yourself or hate yourself or think you’re not capable, God sees you. He hears you. He longs for you to approach Him with outstretched hands and take this burden from you. You are never stuck and never without the hope we find in Christ. I don’t know where you are or how you relate to this. But know this: Our God sees you and loves you beyond measure. He is a promise-keeper. He is faithful. This much I know is true.
You can read more about being a new mom in Advice to a New Mom and other articles here on Parenting Pathway. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, our ministry team would love to support, encourage, and pray for you. Please reach out to Ministry Leader Christine Clark at christinec@stonebriar.org.
