Are You A Drone Parent?

Last week, I was listening to a podcast from the Impact360 Institute, who does research and publishes studies with the Barna Group on the life of Gen Z (kids born between 1997 and 2012). In other words, they study our kids. The podcast “How Not to Be an Overprotective Under-Protective Parent” dropped a description of a modern parenting style I had not heard much about.  We have all heard of helicopter parenting, but have you heard of Drone Parenting?

  • Do you check your child’s grades daily on their school’s grading portal?
  • Do you have monitoring apps on your child’s phone that lets you read all their text messages?
  • Do you have a filtering app that notifies you every time your child wanders to a website you consider inappropriate?
  • Do you have a GPS tracker that you use to monitor the location of your child all the time?
  • Do you stalk your kids’ friends on social media?
  • Do you have your kids keep an online calendar so you can “help them” manage their activities?
  • Did you plant a tracking device in your child’s car so even if their phone is off you can still find them?

Most of us have used at least one of these resources at one time or another. In fact, as I am writing this, I just got an attendance warning text message from my son’s school. Wondering where he is, I looked at our tracking app to confirm that he is at school and made a mental note to ask him about it tonight. Yes, at times, I can be a Drone Parent.

A Drone Parent is a parent who, from afar, you might perceive as having a hands-off approach to parenting. They are not physically hovering in the wings waiting to swoop in like a Helicopter Parent. You might not even notice the Drone Parent hovering. They use technology to monitor, restrict, and protect their children from themselves and the world around them. These parents are more likely to notice a missing assignment and either turn it in for the child or remind the child to turn it in before leaving school. These parents stalk their kids in the name of “helping” but they are really over-parenting.

Here are some things to look for:

  1. A Drone Parent is typically silent in their movement, limiting the child’s awareness to their presence.
  2. A Drone Parent will likely make insistent phone calls or send an email to the teacher, school, and coaches, indicating their child should be given a consideration for their effort or an “unnamed” hardship. This typically happens without the child’s knowledge.
  3. A Drone Parent will anxiously do all they can to protect their kids from the unpleasantness in the world, thus limiting the parents’ need to resort to Snowplow or Lawnmower parenting.
  4. A Drone Parent wants their children to achieve great things, but then give the child too much help, robbing them of any sense of personal accomplishment.

This is overparenting at its highest form. A recent study from Brigham Young University states it best:

“Continually dipping in and out of your child’s life to save the day is psychologically and relationally detrimental. No matter how much you say you believe in your kid, your actions say otherwise. Soon, your kids get the message. They don’t do conflict. They don’t do boundaries. They don’t do discomfort. They just don’t do much on their own.”1

Okay, let’s agree that depending on the age of our children, some level of technology monitoring and filtering is important for their safety and your peace of mind. But if they are 20 and you are still reading all their text messages, you are probably going too far. We can probably also agree that we do not want to give your 12-year-old open access to Instagram. But if they are leaving for college and you are still restricting what apps they put on their phone, you are probably going too far. It is even okay to help your middle schooler practice their basketball shots to make the team this year. But if you are calling the coach and making a special plea to reward their hard work, you are probably going too far.

I can look back and recall several times where I swooped in and, as a result, made things worse for my son. I can also see where I did not monitor enough, and he ended up knee-deep in porn at a young age. But I also look now and see that allowing him to have more control over his life with a job, school, and church is preparing him for his next phase of life. Parenting is a gut-wrenching adventure in trade-offs.

As Christians, each time we step in and take control, swoop in and over manage, endlessly track and monitor our kids, we are really modeling a lack of faith. When I find myself wandering into the over- monitor, over-control side of my personality, I find meditating on Psalm 91 helpful, as it reminds me that my faith should be in God, not in the tools I use for “safety.”

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 91: 1-2

As parents who are working to trust God with our kids’ lives, we need to focus our energy on guidance and training, and support them as they develop skills of discernment. We need to encourage them to take risks, and encourage them to try again when they face hardship. Supporting our child to develop the mental resources to solve their own problems, be emotionally resilient, and be socially aware will be far more rewarding than keeping then covered in a cocoon of protection.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

― Thomas A. Edison

This Christmas, give your kids the gift of room to fail.

In this previous Parenting Pathway article, Director of Stonebriar Preschool Pals Kelley Wilkinson gives us some helpful advice in transitioning from micromanaging parents to advising parents:

Transitioning from Micromanager to Advisor

Notes:

  1. PsyD, George. 2022. “Are You A Drone Parent? | Sachs Center”. ADD & ADHD Holistic Treatment. https://sachscenter.com/are-you-a-drone-parent/.

Author

  • Christine Clark

    Christine Clark is the Ministry Leader for Family Ministries at Stonebriar Community Church. She has a passion for supporting parents and helping them gain confidence and tools to be spiritual leaders in their homes. She is blessed to be the mom of a one son and the wife of her college sweetheart for 25 years. She and her husband are finding their way as empty nesters, and enjoying the new found freedom that comes with this stage of life. She is also an avid sports fan who loves all things NASCAR and football, especially in the fall in Texas.

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