Confessions of a Jealous Husband

I have a big jealousy problem in my marriage.

It’s not quite what you think it is, though.

There are no fits of rage, no yelling or carrying on with passive-aggressive comments or behavior.

It’s just that there are these other smaller human beings that live in my house.

I love them dearly, and they make me laugh; they bring joyful tears to my eyes when they succeed, and I love giving them a hug and kiss goodnight when I tuck in their smiling, angelic faces (even as teenagers).

But they are the source of my jealousy problem that honestly started when they were tiny, beautiful babies.

They didn’t (and still don’t) seem to understand that there is this also this beautiful woman also lives in our home. I met her before I met them, and truth be told, I like her more than them.

They didn’t get to see the woman that I fell in love with years ago.  They didn’t get to see her glide across the stage to pick up her college diploma, they didn’t see her dress up for her first day as a teacher, and they didn’t get to see her smile and cry at the same time when I asked her to marry me.

And yet, for some reason, they seem to assume that they deserve access to all her time, energy, and affection.

And what’s worse (for me) is that she tends to forget that I like my grilled cheese a certain way.

And so, I get jealous.

But as frustrating as this can be (and before you say this doesn’t apply to you, men), the experience can be a catalyst to see God’s grace (the intersection of truth and sacrificial love) at work in our home, family, and marriage.

The Science is Convicting

Early on in our marriage, I remember just how “in tune” we were with each other’s thoughts, perspectives, and actions.  It’s like we could “finish each other’s sandwiches”!  However, as our children entered into our lives, a fog seemed to develop in my wonderful wife’s thinking when it came to me.

In the last eleven years, two fascinating studies* have dealt with the neuroplastic changes and emotional attunement that happens in a new mother’s brain regarding her husband and child. In basic terms, a mother’s brain grows and refines itself to be dialed in to the unique needs of their new baby.  However, in doing so, they lose some of the “memory” that keeps them dialed in to their husbands.  They “forget” what their husbands like or need in favor of knowing their infant.

The result is that what we might jokingly refer to as “mommy brain” is an actual physical process that is a blessing in disguise.  My wonderful wife was transforming into a rock star in understanding, knowing, and meeting the needs of this beautiful tiny human that was now a part of our family.  So while my feelings and practical reality of loss and loneliness were real, they weren’t necessarily rooted in the false truth that “she loved the baby more.”  Her entire physical being was being remodeled! She hasn’t stopped loving me; she’s just forgotten about me (a bit).

God’s Plan For Our Marriage Has Not Changed

In Matthew 19, when pressed about the issue of divorce by the Pharisees, Jesus’s response is both measured and wise. He once again reveals God’s plan for the marriage relationship dynamic by referencing Genesis 2. God’s plan for marriage is ONENESS.

Dennis Rainey of FamilyLife ministries beautifully describes ONENESS this way:

“…a marriage is formed by a husband and wife who are grafting intimacy, trust, and understanding with one another. It’s a couple chiseling out a common direction, purpose, and plan. A oneness marriage demands a lifetime process of relying on God and forging an enduring relationship according to His design. It’s more than a mere mingling of two humans—it’s a tender merger of body, soul, and spirit.”¹

So, the beautiful challenge of continually coming together emotionally, mentally, physically, and relationally to be a new family and be on God’s mission for us together hasn’t changed!  Pursing oneness is the answer that helps overcome the seasons where there are factors (such as young children) that massively demand our attention and affection. The call to continue to be one is a lifelong pursuit that we must work at together.

A Strategy for the Long Game

Sadly, the subtle gravitational effect of the demand to nurture, love, and raise these beautiful children into maturing and graceful Christ-followers can have a long-term, harmful impact on any marriage.  And unless there is an active effort to cultivate the strength and depth of our marriage, eighteen years later, when they graduate from high school, we can be left feeling like a Maid married to a Gardener.  So how can we embrace the challenge of our situation and see God’s grace at work in our lives?

First, acknowledge the paradox of this reality: our children are a beautiful blessing from God, and they are a constant source of relationship division.

However, I feel confident that God knew this in the beginning and that the task before us is not impossible. After all, in Genesis 1, God created humankind with the beautiful opportunity to commune with Him and each other and the responsibility to steward (work to cultivate) His creation. Therefore, we have to embrace the challenge that it is to glorify God by doing the work of nurturing our marriage and not just our children.

Next, continually revisit and realign the priorities in families and our marriages.

I still remember the first time our firstborn tried to play us off against each other.  She, at a mere ten months old, played the game of asking mom and then dad; thinking she would get a yes from dad with those big beautiful brown eyes.  (Fortunately, the couple who mentored us had warned us that this was coming!)  But from that moment on, there has been a continual and consistent message to our kids, “Mom and Dad are one” and “Dad loves mom first.” (And vice versa). Sometimes it elicits a frustrated response from our kids, but many times it’s grudgingly celebrated.

Lastly, be encouraged: you are creating resiliency in your children.

A child’s behavior and demeanor are many times a reflection of the health of a marriage.  As one pastor said, “The greatest gift you can give your children is the example of a healthy and enduring marriage.” So applying the principle from Proverbs 5:18 provides us with a motivation to pursue and serve our spouse first:  The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy it. It is foundational to your kids’ confidence and future independence to know that mom and dad are crazy about each other.

So, I’m still jealous, but I smile as my children roll their eyes at me when they see us kiss in the kitchen, when we go for that quick mini-date to our favorite coffee shop, and when I close the door to the bedroom and stand guard so that my wife can grab that short nap. I may miss her time, but I know I still have her heart. So get that sitter, take that date, and remind your kids of how much you love your spouse!

Use the links below to read more about neuroplastic changes and emotional attunement that happens in a new mother’s brain regarding her husband and child:

• APA.org – https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/bne-124-5-695.pdf
• Nature.com – https://www.nature.com/articles/nn.4458

You can read more from Pastor David Ake about Making Time for your Marriage and connect with Marriage Ministries at Stonebriar Community Church.