Dear Foster and Adoptive Mom,

May is National Foster Care Month, which is a time to acknowledge families and professionals who help children and youth in foster care find permanent homes. We invited Meagan Adkins to share with us her personal story and insights.

I am deeply reverent and honored to be writing to you. I am a transparent person, and some of what happens in adoption is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard. HARD. HARD. Like, collapse in your bed at night with all your makeup on and no teeth brushed hard. Like, endless amounts of dry shampoo hard. And to express this, in honesty, always seems nerve-wracking because I would do it all over again. I would do every minute of the hand-wringing and the praying and the fasting in our decision to pursue what God was asking us again. I would re-experience the hardest season of my life for my children. And however hard it was on me, children from trauma have it harder. So much harder.

We have four children who came to us through the foster care system, and three that came the old-fashioned way. My story isn’t short, but I didn’t want this article to be about me. It’s about YOU. You- who said YES and made the leap. I believe that you walked right into the heart of God when you opened your home.

“With God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:26 

Dear New Foster and/or Adoptive Mom,

I want to say upfront that you are doing an amazing thing. You have stepped into something so messy and strenuous and relentlessly exhausting. Right now, you may be wondering what in the world you have gotten yourself into. You may be asking yourself  “who is this needy stranger that has joined our household and feels like they are running the show?” This world turned upside down that is now your house. Maybe you had no children and wanted to grow your family this way, or maybe you were like me, scraping excess dinner food into the trash can when God clearly said “you have so much, you can share.” Whatever the route you took, you are here, doing the thing. God sees you.

1. First, I want you to repeat this daily “it’s still early.”

The children you are caring for have come out of trauma. They may be literally battered and bruised, they may be an infant that didn’t receive a nourishing womb to grow, but instead were exposed to drugs and alcohol. They may have experienced prenatal stress as they formed in their mother’s womb because she was under so much pressure to provide for her family for a place to live and food to eat. These sweet babies didn’t get a great start, and because of that, they will be in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. This fight or flight will possibly be triggering to you. It may feel as if you have no idea what you are doing. That’s okay. IT’S STILL EARLY.

2. Love your spouse.

Full stop. My husband has broad shoulders and helps carry the load every day and in so many ways. I simply cannot do this life without him, and I don’t thank him enough for the sacrifices he makes in caring for our family. Our partnership is what made it work.

3. Get help.

All the help you can. Ask if friends or family would be willing to take a background check and become CPR certified to babysit so that you can step away for a break or date night with your husband. This was HUGE for us.

4. Find a therapist.

For you. Make time for this. Because if mama isn’t staying mentally healthy, she WILL crack.

5. Let the church love on you.

In all ways. One of the most precious things that happened when we were in our early days came through meals dropped off while we were cocooning. Some had a Scripture that felt like Jesus himself was telling us all: “It is going to be okay. Your children will heal. You will become a family unit.”

6. Accept that your family is different.

This will be hard. Your children will not “assimilate” to your family norms at first, and maybe not ever. It is okay, you will have new norms that knock your socks off with God’s goodness.

7. Celebrate little victories.

A baby that no longer cries for an hour at bedtime missing his birth parents; he only cries for 45 minutes—WIN! A child who says “sorry” after throwing the biggest tantrum for an hour? WIN. Keep track of these successes. It’s hard to see the small changes when you are living it. My kid that had the hardest behavior (and understandably so) is now my kid I want on my team if there is ever a zombie apocalypse. She is fierce, deeply loyal, and never quits.

8. Drop expectations.

Schedules and routines are going to be different. They just are. You will have CPS workers, in-home therapy visits, and a myriad of new appointments to attend. Taco Bell might be your best friend at the end of the day, versus the beautiful dinners you once made for your family. It’s okay, there’s another time for that.

9. Do something for yourself, mama.

When I first entered therapy after letting my own cup empty to the last drop, my therapist gave me a charge. Do something daily, weekly, monthly that you enjoy. Have something to look forward to.

10. Love their first parents.

I am not saying you need to be in an open relationship with them. Boundaries are healthy. But I am saying pray for them, pray for God to show you love for them. We are all broken people, and situations you may not have ever imagined walking through, these first families have experienced. They are hurting too.

11. Play Christian music or have an app that reads Scripture aloud in your home.

I am a big believer in spiritual warfare, and I know that evil cannot exist where Jesus’ name is called on.

12. Find a group.

Join a support group of moms or families who are walking this same journey. They will pray for you like no one else can, and will laugh with you at some of the stranger moments (like when I was learning how to properly care for black hair, and I let it dry after shampooing without securing it in braids—the poor girl woke up with bonnet shaped hair in the morning.)

13. Thank your workers.

Yes, the system is broken. It’s enough to drive you mad in the process. But they are serving these children daily, and they see unimaginably hard things and still go home to their own families at the end of the day.

I don’t give this list as something to add to your long list of tasks, but rather, these are the life preservers that kept me afloat while the storm of emotions rumbled through our home.

14. Grace.

Finally, and most importantly, grace. Grace for your spouse, your children, and yourself. You will see that God will transform you. He will connect you to these children with a bond so strong, nothing could break it. You’ll see.

A short note to the Church: (Big and little “c”!)

You may not have been called to be a foster or adoptive mom or dad. But as James 1:27 states:

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…”

Love on these families WELL. Deliver food, get certified to babysit, offer to do their laundry. Drop off baskets of fun for the kids like sidewalk chalk, bubbles, crayons, and coloring books. Organize frequently scheduled parents’ night out for foster and adoptive families. They will leap for joy at a safe place for their children while they have dinner and maybe have their first real conversation in months. Ask what they need. They may not be the type that finds it easy to ask for help. I know that once I was asked what we needed, and it was a crib and a bed. I didn’t expect that need to be filled, but within a day, that need was met. Meeting these needs is kingdom building!

Embrace TexasTo get more information about Foster Care, Adoption, or being certified for respite care or childcare, we highly recommend reaching out to Embrace Texas. Embrace connects willing hands with opportunities to serve children in foster, adoptive and kinship care.

Author

  • Megan Adkins

    Megan Adkins is married to her high school love, Alan. She is a mother to 7 wonderful children who keep her on her toes and make her laugh in the process. Lauren, 18, Cade, 16, Jake, 13, Naomi, 12, Beckham, 12, Mya, 10, Ashley, 9. She knows Jesus can be counted on.

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