Do you remember middle school? You know, those years where your body was growing and changing almost every day—one day you wake up and your feet are two sizes too big for your body, and you suddenly have acne all over your face and hair in new places. Middle school is also a time of huge emotional and social development. This is the season of sorting.
Middle school, the time from fifth grade to eighth grade, is one of the hardest periods to parent and the hardest to watch your kids navigate.
Most kids will struggle to fit in even while looking for ways to be an individual. It does not matter if they are the most popular kids in school or the nerdiest—it will still be a season of trying on and figuring out who they are and where they fit. It’s not uncommon for middle schoolers to do these things:
- Bow to peer pressure to be like others
- Experience bullying or cyberbullying
- Be sensitive to other people’s opinions and reactions, and think the whole world is watching them
- Be introspective and moody, and need more privacy
- Test out new clothing styles and “try on personalities” while figuring out where they fit
- Start to understand concepts like power and influence
This is also the season when we see kids flex their social muscles, and where we start to see a lot of friend drama.
Drama: People who engage in “drama” will usually attempt to drag other people into their dramatic state, as a way of gaining attention or making their own lives more exciting.
Friend drama is experienced by boys and girls alike. Girls will fight differently than boys. For girls, it may be more psychological warfare than a bombing raid. And boys are more likely to pile drive someone into their locker as opposed to talking about them in the lunchroom.
This dramatic reshuffling of kids can have a serious impact on your child’s confidence in school. It is a real concern for them as they worry about who they will eat lunch with, who they will walk to class with, will they be invited to the party (and if not, who will notice) and so on. What might seem tiny and insignificant to you is probably a big deal to your middle schooler. Looking at the situation, you might be tempted to think it is “ridiculous” or “stupid.” This quickly makes you an adult who does not understand and, in turn, may be ineffective at helping.
How can we help our kids overcome friend drama?
Be calm and don’t overreact.
As your child downloads their day, they are likely to share stories of mean girls and bullying boys, or stories of Friend A who was mean to Friend B, and how Friend C lied to Friend D about something that your child did not say. Your role in this download is just to listen, ask a few questions, and just affirm that you are listening to the story.
Be a good listener.
Your child may have very strong emotions surrounding their friendship issues, and they often just need to vent. Take the time to listen and let them talk. You don’t need to have the answers. Also, do not join in any bad-mouthing or name-calling of your child’s friends.
Don’t tell everyone your business.
Some kids thrive on this attention. They tell everyone about their friend drama under the guise of seeking advice or to win people over to their side. All this does is ruin relationships, amplify drama, and start rumors. Be a safe place for your child to vent, but encourage them not to do it at school or on social media. Remind your child to be careful who they share confidence with, because if they are genuinely seeking advice, one or two trustworthy people should be enough to get input from.
Encourage participation in a wide range of activities or clubs.
This will help your child cast a wider net of friend groups. This will also give them a haven when problems start with another group. You may experience some push-back on this. Be patient and consistent in your suggestions. Helping your child find things they can feel good about will boost their confidence—a key ingredient to making new friends.
Pray for a small group of close friends.
I remember years ago a pastor friend told me to pray for two close friends. So, if one friend is out you still have someone to eat lunch with. Encourage them to be loyal to this group of friends and keep them close.
Explain what unhealthy friendships look like.
It is natural that your knowledge of your kid’s friends (and your ability to pick them) should diminish as they progress through middle school. This is the time when they need to learn to discern who are good friends, who are acquaintances, and who are people to avoid. If you hear the same name associated with several cycles of friend drama, it is a good time to talk about what makes a healthy friendship and what makes an unhealthy friendship. Help your child define boundaries for these friendships and seek to limit their influence in your child’s life
Help your child understand that conflict is a part of life.
Your child can’t control how anyone else behaves, but they can control their reactions.
Take a technology break.
This is probably a good time to help them take a step back from social media and their phone. Don’t make it punitive, but help them understand that they are allowing friend drama to come into the one place they should feel safe: home. If they seem to be the target of cyberbullying, this is one of the few times it is good to involve the school counselor or administrator.
Practice a response.
Help your child develop a response to common middle school drama before it happens. Books like Queen Bees and Wannabes and Masterminds and Wingmen by Rosalind Wiseman help kids and parents better understand what could be driving a friend’s behavior and helps them develop their own responses.
Some Tips for Parents
Momma Bear or Daddy Bear is real, but don’t let it out.
Of course every bone in your body desires to jump in, smooth everything out, make everything better, and soothe your child’s hurt feelings. You want to call the school, send an email, or blow the whole situation up on social media, but your child needs to learn how to fight their own battles. Unless your child is in danger of physical or true mental harm, let them work it out themselves. Take their concerns seriously, but often by doing nothing, the problem will either be forgotten by the kids, or they will correct it on their own. Direct parental intervention should be your last resort.
There is a very real possibility that your child may not want to talk with you about their social drama but is comfortable showering you with the resulting emotional drama. This does not make you a bad parent; it just means you have a developmentally appropriate tween or teen. Conducting some covert operations to facilitate a discussion with another adult can help. Don’t be afraid to call your school counselor, child’s small group leader at church, relative, or trusted friend and ask them to talk with your child.
