Helping Our Children With Nightmares

I remember when I was a kid, I was scared to death that there was a person hiding under my bed who was waiting there to kidnap me. My normal routine required me to get a running jump to get into my bed, so the person underneath could not grab my ankle while I was getting in bed.  Then I had to settle into the middle of my bed, flat on my back with my arms completely tucked under me.  This was to prevent that person from being able to reach up and grab me. I would fall asleep this way and, at some point, I would wake up in a panic thinking something was grabbing me. As an adult, I can see all the holes in my logic, but this fear pattern went on for almost a year.

In doing some research for this post, I learned that nightmares are most common in children ages 6 to 10. This is because at this age kids can incorporate imagery and information they hear and see but do not understand into their dreams. Often, they are incorporating snippets from the things going on in the background such as the news, something they saw in video game they were playing, or a conversation they overheard. This is also when children have the strongest sense of imagination and greater difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. Children tend to subconsciously sort through their thoughts, reorder them, and fill in the gaps in their sleep.

This makes sense to me in retrospect, because at the time this was happening there were a couple of well-publicized kidnappings in our community. I didn’t really understand what kidnapping meant, but it seemed pretty scary to me. (In defense of my parents, who will no doubt read this, I don’t think I ever told them about my fear or asked questions about the kidnapping–sorry, guys.)

But, if your 10 year old is waking up screaming or still crawling into bed with you after a bad dream, you are probably ready for another plan.  If your 7 year old is reluctant to go to bed because they are scared they will have a bad dream, you are probably ready for another plan. If the family is tired and exhausted after a few weeks of nightmares, you are probably ready for another plan.

How can we help our children overcome nightmares?

1. Establish a healthy sleep routine.

You can do that by turning off electronics a couple hours before bedtime, establish a consistent bedtime routine that includes calming activities such as a bath, a quiet conversation about the day, and committing concerns and worries to God in prayer. Here is a sample prayer from our friends at Focus on the Family.

Lord, please be with ______ as they go to bed or back to bed. Father, I pray they would feel Your presence and that they’d be comforted by Your arms. Give them a spirit of peace and power as they fall back asleep. Ease their minds and help them to know they are safe. Please help them to get rest and to dream good things. We praise You, Father, for being our protector.¹

2. Be understanding and ask questions.

When your child wakes you in the middle of the night for the third time this week, there is a great temptation to be dismissive and send them back to bed. Telling a scared child “It’s not real” is not very helpful. Breathe deeply and say something like, “I can image that is really scary; will you tell me what happened in your dream?” As you are walking them back to bed, help them unravel the confusing thoughts and think about something else.

3. Retrain your child’s brain to think good thoughts.

At bedtime, help your child brainstorm positive, happy, and fun things to think about while falling asleep. We want kids to understand they can change the path of their dreams by thinking good thoughts, and they can calm themselves down when the scary dreams cloud their mind.

4. Monster repellant and a good lovey.

Give your child a fun solution to overcome their fears. A spray bottle with water in it can be used to spray away monsters, or you could give your child a special blanket to hide under or a special teddy with superpowers. These can all be fun ways to help your child feel empowered to overcome their scary dreams.

5. Talk to God.

The most important life skill we can teach in this moment is to turn to God in prayer when we are scared. We do this by reminding our kids that God is always with them and protecting them. You can help them create a prayer that they say each time they are scared based on Scripture, like a phrase from a favorite Psalm.

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

If your child has a bad dream every now and then, they are likely just working through normal developmental anxiety. But if they are having nightmares several days a week for several weeks, there are likely additional sources of stress at home or at school that you may need to help them address.  There are times additional outside help maybe required, and our team at Parenting Pathway want to encourage you to prayerfully seek assistance in these situations.