Two rows over in the Target check-out line, I notice a momma whose face is turning red with a mix of frustration and fear. At her feet, I notice her preschool age child is having a very big, very loud meltdown. It’s clear the mom is debating whether to fight or take flight. We have all been there—we are tired, hungry, and just want to finish our errands, and we are dragging our tired, hungry, and disgruntled children with us. All the ingredients are in place for a BIG EMOTIONAL MELTDOWN.
Can you imagine how wonderful it would be to calmly crouch down to our crying toddler and say something soothing and helpful? Maybe say, “I am sorry—you are hungry and tired, and I am sorry we can’t purchase the perfect toy today. I know you are angry. How can I help or comfort you?” To which our sniffling, but recovering toddler would respond, “I need some goldfish, water, and a nap, please.”
Pshhh . . . If only the perfect response was ready at the right moment, and we elegantly managed these big emotional scenes. While we seldom have everything in place at these critical times, we can lay the groundwork little by little.
There is an old saying, “more is caught than taught.” Unfortunately, our children learn how to manage their emotions by watching how we manage our own emotions.
Emotional Regulation is a fancy term, but refers to our ability to:
- recognize and name our emotions,
- identify how those emotions make us feel, and
- know what we need to do to come back to center our equilibrium.
This sounds easy, but for a child with only a few hundred vocabulary words, that can be hard. Our goal is to help our little people learn easy-to-use tools that will help regulate their big emotions, and develop appropriate and healthy coping skills.
Step One: Develop a Language for Big Emotions.
Karyn Purvis of the Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University has done extensive research and has developed a model of parenting called “Trust Based Relational Interventions.” While it was based on parenting children who come from trauma, it is equally effective for children without significant trauma. In her book the Connected Child she introduces the Engine Plate.
In this simple exercise children learn the language of how they feel, using the common visual aid of a paper plate colored to look like a car dial.
When our engine is in GREEN, we feel happy, calm and content. Green is where we want to be most of the time. This is where we feel good.
When our engine is BLUE, we feel sad, sleepy, down, upset. If we are in blue too long, we may need to get up and do something active, or we might need to snuggle with a grown up, or maybe a good nap will help everyone.
When our engine is RED, we feel mad, angry, hyper, and/or overstimulated. If our child is stuck in red, the goal is to help them develop calming strategies and the language necessary to express their needs.
Ask your children throughout the day, “How is your engine running?” and when they indicate they are running red or blue ask them, “how can I help you get back to green?”
Step Two: Create Healthy Calm-Down Strategies.
Calm-down strategies are developed to help our children understand what they are feeling and help them move back to their calm and happy mental state. These strategies address both the psychological and physical needs of our children.
- Taking deep breaths and counting forward and backward gives kids time to recognize their body signals, such as clenched fists, clenched jaw, stiff body, shaking, etc.
- Practice squeezing and releasing. Encourage them to make a tight fist and then release it, bite their teeth together hard and then release, hold their whole body stiff and then release. This simple exercise helps them recognize how their body feels and the signs of when they are buzzing with anger, reminding them that their engine is running in RED.
- Create a safe calm down space in your home. This is a space where they can be close to family and activity of the home, but also provides low stimulation, limited sensory input, and safe items to help them calm down. One of my favorite calming items to have in a safe place at home is a weighted stuffed animal. These cute, furry friends have weights like a weighted blanket. These stuffed lovies help to slow heart rate and calm breathing, but are portable and can go anywhere.
Step Three: Ask for Help or Comfort.
Depending on the age of your child, they may not be able to clearly articulate what they need, especially in the moment of an emotional meltdown. We want our children to know we are a safe place where they can ask for help. Help your child create a list of strategies that they can point to when needed. Calm down picture cards are great for visual learners. These cards include 30 suggested calm-down and redirection activities that your child can use to help recognize the need move to a more productive and peaceful place.
Step Four: Set Family Ground Rules.
It is important to know that everyone has a bad day now and then. We want our children to know that our family is a safe place to be emotional, out of sorts, or sad. Recognizing and feeling all emotions is important to future development. However, there does need to be boundaries where certain types of emotional expression is not okay.
- It is not okay to hurt anyone by putting our hands on another person, hitting, biting, slapping, throwing something.
- It is not okay to take toys, books, or other personal items from someone.
- It is not okay to say mean things and use hurtful words.
Helpful hint: if your child has more aggressive tendencies, have them practice putting their hands in their pockets to keep them from acting out.
The period of development between 18 months and four years old is a difficult stage as your children develop situational awareness and emotional vocabulary. While natural temperament sets the foundation for big emotions, these are the years you are building the foundation.
Resources:
- The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family. Purvis, K. B., Cross, D. R., & Sunshine, W. L. (2007). New York, NY:McGraw-Hill.
- Llama Llama Mad at Mama Hardcover, Anna Dewdeny, Viking Books for Young Readers (2007)
- Calm Down Time (Toddler Tools) Board Book, Elizabeth Verdick, Free Spirit Publishing (2010)
- Burnett, Christie. 2022. “Calm Down Yoga Routine For Kids: Printable”. Childhood101. https://childhood101.com/yoga-for-kids/.
- Oswald, Stephanie. 2022. “Printable Emotions Playdough Mats And Task Cards”. Parenting Chaos. https://parentingchaos.com/printable-emotions-playdough-mats-and-task-cards/.
