If you’re like us, COVID has thrown your marriage schedule on its head. Between keeping our kiddos engaged, juggling working from home and trying to squeeze in a semblance of normal seasonal life (i.e. vacations, weddings, birthdays), and not quite knowing what day of the week it actually is, finding a lot of extra time for our marriage can seem a rather challenging goal. In these circumstances, we may treat our marriage as if it just needs to work or last without too much fuss or maintenance, because again, it can seem like there is not enough time, energy, or attention to spare. But maintaining a connection with your spouse is key in every season, so here are a few simple ways to keep your marriage strong when you’re under stress.
The Oxygen Mask Principle
We are most all familiar with the pre-flight instructions from the flight crew: “Make sure your mask is secure before you place your child’s mask.” Although the needs and demands are many, our marriages do need to be healthy so that they can be a blessing to our families and children. These times have put some extraordinary demands on our marriages, and in the short term, we have all had to shoulder a greater load than we typically do. However, over time, don’t forget this simple principle: We must make sure the oxygen is flowing to our marriages so that it can still flow to our spouse and our families.
It Is Okay to Be Honest
Time with our spouses can be life-giving. In a season where we must focus on quality time over quantity time, we must be able to dial into what our spouse’s relational needs (and our own) truly are. We have always loved the principle that Tim Kimmel shares in his book The Grace Filled Marriage: In grace God gives us the freedom to be candid (speak our minds) and vulnerable (share our hearts and feelings).
What do you really need? In the middle of how fast and hard you’ve been running, what piece of your heart has been stretched and strained? As you share your fear, anger, sadness, or joy with God, how does He meet your needs? What then can your spouse do, as well? One of the best things we can do to empower our spouses is to use the phrases “I need…” and “I’m feeling…”. This is the truth side of grace, but also, be sure to give your spouse time to respond, which is the love side of grace. This gives your spouse the freedom to be vulnerable and candid in return.
Make Time to . . .
If you’re anything like us, at the end of the day, you look for the bottom line. As your heart is ready, focus on these action steps to cultivate time and connection with your spouse.
- Make time to laugh—Proverbs 17:22 (NASB): A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones. So tell that joke, do that silly dance, and if you can get away with it, do that jump scare . . . Laughter will lighten the load and create memories and appreciation.
- Make time to talk/listen—Mark 4:24 (NASB): And He was saying to them, “Take care what you listen to. By your standard of measure it will be measured to you; and more will be given you besides.” As a principle to apply, share what you need to share and listen to what your spouse’s heart is saying, as well. Studies show that the average married couples spends 15 to 20 minutes a day in significant conversation, but mostly about home management. Instead, ask the questions that need to be asked and listen to the heart behind the answers. It will equip you to meet your spouse’s needs and have your needs met.
- Make time to be with your spouse in silence and in intimacy—Proverbs 5:18-19c (NASB): Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. . . Be exhilarated always with her love. Again, the principle applies to both spouses in marriage: Enjoy the presence of your spouse, and connect in intimacy to take care of each other. As Ted Lowe states in Your Best US, The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy your marriage. So schedule that date, lock the door, and enjoy the spouse you fell in love with. Those you love will thank you for it.
We have to be honest, we’ve tried to keep this both simple and encouraging, and some days we can do these things, but other days, we find the kids and the pets waiting at our door at 6:30 a.m. and we exchange wistful glances as we dive into the day. But keep trying, because each connection, each moment of laughter, and each heart-longing shared and satisfied are the hundreds of tiny connections that will continue to keep your marriage strong and healthy.
If you and your spouse are looking for resources, encouragement, and support to grow and strengthen your marriage, we invite you to join our marriage encouragement ministry, The Rooted Marriage.
