What word do you hear over and over in your head to describe yourself?
Afraid, anxious, depressed, sexual, bulimic, anorexic, isolated, alcoholic, addicted, mean, overwhelmed, lying, narcissistic, hyper, confused, weak, hiding, cutting . . . lonely . . . the list can go on endlessly. The negative labels tied to how we act, what we do, and how we see ourselves are the words most of our teens have running around in their head all the time. And even if they know someone who has the same word in their head, our kids are likely to feel like they are alone in their word.
I had the opportunity to attend high school camp this summer. I went with the expectation of late nights, kids who were going to slip off into the woods, some infighting between groups, some hurt feelings, a few bumps and bruises, and the general camp stuff. I was completely unprepared for the number of kids barely holding on and in emotional pain. I felt constantly on edge waiting for the next debilitating breakdown. My heart broke as I watched our kids suffer from a definition that may or may not be true but was certainly defining them in that moment.
I came away with a new view into the lives of our teenagers. These kids may clean up well, look completely normal, and appear to “have it together.” But inside, in moments of unguarded conversation, they are fragile.
I confess, for years we have written about teaching our kids to be achievers who are resilient and resourceful. We pushed to let them fail so they can experience failure and learn from it, even take pride in overcoming their failure. The thought was that if we teach them to overcome the obstacles in their lives, they will be happier and healthier kids on their way to a successful adulthood. But what happens when they get stuck in their failure, when emotionally, physically, or chemically, they cannot just rise? What happens when someone gets stuck in negative and isolating language and has lost hope?
We have a generation of kids stuck with little view of a future without pain. We need to look at the three-legged stool of healing and use all the tools of counseling, diet/healthy lifestyle with medication if needed, and spiritual wellness to help them see a different future. It is the last one, spiritual wellness, that leaves a big gaping hole their lives, and as Christian parents this is where we have the biggest opportunity to step in.
Our kids (yours and mine) are struggling to believe that God will show up in any meaningful or tangible way to help them.
Often, our kids know the language of “church,” they can probably answer questions for most Bible stories, and they might have a few scriptures memorized. It is easy to get wrapped up in the legalism of doing the “right” or “wrong” thing. But during these internal struggles, it is a lot harder to actually believe that God loves you and that He wants to show up for you, especially when you feel so unworthy.
This is love: He loved us long before we loved Him. It was His love, not ours. He proved it by sending His Son to be the pleasing sacrificial offering to take away our sins.
1 John 4:10
This is the hard part, because suddenly it is not so much about our kids as much as it is about us. As parents, we must first believe and expect God to show up. We must challenge our own relationship with God to go beyond the daily transactions of life and look to develop a meaningful, heartfelt relationship with Christ, one where we hunger to know Him and love Him more each day.
Last year, we were walking through a very hard season with our teenage son. Many nights, I would lay in bed praying for God’s intervention in this situation. We encourage our son to meet with the men in his life who have mentored him. He also talked with my husband and me hours, for days, and he talked with friends until he wore out his welcome. After weeks of this cycle, he seemed to be slipping further and further away from himself and us. I was at times fearful we would lose him. I would sit up late at night until I was sure he had finally fallen asleep.
One night, while waiting and praying, I had a clear leading from the Holy Spirit to show our son God’s love. From my own life experience, it is the darkest moments of life that God will use to draw us to Him. Over the next few weeks, we talked about times when God was so present in our lives that there could be no doubting His love. Finally, we came to the point where we plainly said, “Until you are willing to go to God with this, it will not get better. He is calling you to Himself. You are His child. He loves you and He wants to be real to you.”
It has been several months since that conversation. There have been many ups and downs, but there has also been tremendous growth. Inside, I cringe when my son celebrates reading his Bible and getting “something real from it,” (as I’ll think, What were you doing the last 16 years at church?). But I also celebrate this new passion to see God in his life. My prayer is that he will keep looking and inviting God into new corners of his life. We’ve crossed this hurdle, but there will be more.
Our Parenting Pathway Team and Family Ministries staff know these topics can be really hard to unpack, and we in no way want to minimize all that you and your family are walking through. Life is messy and full of really hard stuff. There are seldom easy answers or quick solutions. We want to walk with you, pray with you, and encourage you. God loves you and wants to be real to you. If you or someone in your family is struggling through addiction or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to a licensed professional. You can connect with our team at parentingpathwayblog@stonebriar.org
