Parenting with Grace

Is there a fine line between parenting with grace and parenting with rules and consequences for behavior?

A few years ago, I attended a parenting conference where the keynote speaker was a proponent of a tough-love approach to parenting. He also proposed a more authoritarian approach to parenting with strict rules and known consequences. He gave an example where his young daughter forgot to take her lunch to school one day. She called her home and asked if mom could bring her lunch or if she would be allowed to buy her lunch in the cafeteria. The speaker was firm that his daughter would not have lunch that day. His point was, the only way his daughter would learn not to forget her lunch would be to go hungry.

I will admit that I could see the value in learning a life lesson to make sure you have all your stuff packed and ready to go in the morning, but the example’s simplicity struck me. I found myself wondering why his daughter forgot her lunch. Did she do this often? Was this a one-time offense? Was there something going on that day at school that had her distracted? Did something happen that morning that made her rush and forget her lunch?

As parents it is all too easy to jump with our first reaction and not take a minute to evaluate the situation.

What if the situation were reversed? Similar problems have happened to me. One day I arrived at the office with my bags but had neglected to put my computer in my bag. A day at work without a computer is almost a wasted day. I called my mom and asked if she would mind running out to my house and bring my laptop to the office. She could have said no, but she went anyway, realizing I had a lot on my plate, and my focus was fragmented. It was a huge blessing, and she saved a day of work. She showed me the grace I needed.

Do we extend grace to our children?

God has a pattern for parenting with grace.

We only need to look to God to see a model for showing grace while raising our children.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

Tim and Darcy Kimmel, in their book Grace Based Parenting, explain that grace does not exclude obedience, respect, boundaries, or discipline—it is the basis for them. Grace determines the atmosphere in which these build the framework for our home and lives.

“Grace based parenting maintains a realistic attitude about the sinful nature with a compassionate desire to help children rise above it and flourish in the plan God has for them.”

Tim Kimmel

Parents who are giving grace to their children are not shocked when their children get into trouble. They are not even caught off guard when their children make mistakes or forget their lunch.

Grace understands that everyone has a bad day. Grace understands the difference between a pattern of behavior that needs to change and the need to lean in and encourage. Grace says “I love you” even when your children are not very lovable.