Still Our Miracle Baby

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day of remembrance for families who have suffered pregnancy loss and infant death which includes, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. Each year, we are honored to partner with Hope Mommies to share these stories of great loss and hope only found in Christ. This year, Jessica Gower shares her story with us.

We found out that we were pregnant for the very first time on November 1, 2016. We were so excited; we had been trying for about 3 years on our own with no luck, and after being diagnosed with unexplained infertility, we were scheduled to begin the process of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) in November. So to say the least, we were blissfully shocked. We called her our miracle baby. We loved her so much from that very moment. At 20 weeks, we found out we were having a girl, and I will never forget seeing her wiggle and kick on the ultrasound screen. We cried tears of joy and started calling her Brenna. We also found out that my amniotic fluid was low and that I had an anterior placenta. Anterior placenta is the medical term for a placenta that connects to the front of the uterus and sits in front of the baby, making it harder to feel the baby move. Even with that, she looked great and was big for her gestation, so neither we nor the doctor were worried.

At our 24 week appointment, our doctor wanted us to see a specialist because my fluid was still low, but again everything else looked good.  Enter what if game here, we were scheduled to see the specialist at 28 weeks. My great aunt had passed away around this time, and leading up to her funeral, I felt unsettled. It seemed like Brenna was moving less, but it was hard to tell because of the anterior placenta. The day after the funeral was April 12, 2016. My husband and I decided I would go to the Labor and Delivery ER to just have someone check on her heartbeat since I was so worried. We kept saying “I’m sure everything is fine.” At the ER, they tried a few different ways to listen to her heartbeat but were unable to find anything. They decided to do a sonogram, and I knew immediately something was very wrong. I wanted to plug my ears. I knew what the doctor was going to say: there was no heartbeat, and there was no fluid.

We decided to induce labor, and looking back I know that we were under the blanket of peace that surpasses all understanding. There is no other explanation for how we got through the next 24 hours.

Brenna Kay Gower was born on April 13, 2016. She was just shy of 28 weeks gestation, and she was perfect. She was beautiful. Holding her was surreal. She had my husband’s mouth and chin, and my feet and hands. She had chubby little cheeks and long legs and a lovely head full of dark hair. I willed her to breathe, but she never did. She was never meant to. The first weekend after losing Brenna was Easter. We watched Sunday service on TV at home, and I cried and cried. I had never looked at Easter through the eyes of a mother. And that’s what I am, what Brenna made me–a mom. I connected with Mary in a way I never would have predicted. I mourned my loss, and I mourned hers.

I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. Isn’t it supposed to stop? It feels like forever and like yesterday all at the same time. Grief does weird things to your perception. It reminds me of a kaleidoscope, where your reality is constantly changing. You get used to the way things look, and then everything shifts, fragments, and there is a new image you have to adjust to. It feels like the only thing that stays the same is the longing; longing to hold her, to smell her. Longing to go back to before, to start over, to change things. It’s exhausting. Navigating the aftermath is hard. I still struggle with the “whys.” I’m trying to rely on God and trust His plan, but it can be a struggle. I want control, and I want to be able to plan, and I want things to be certain and guaranteed. But I can’t, and when I try to control everything, I am miserable.

When we learned that Brenna was gone, we said that we wanted to come out of this experience better. I didn’t know how hard that was going to be. It’s a choice you have to make over and over again. I have not done it perfectly; I fail daily. Sometimes I choose to be mean and negative and bitter and to wallow in pity. It is SO easy to justify it! It takes a lot more effort to choose to be positive, graceful, forgiving, and open. But I am trying, and I am so thankful for Hope Mommies. They are a Christian organization whose purpose is to come alongside moms and families who have experienced infant loss and bring them the hope of Christ.

One of the most important things I have learned is that I need God! I need Him desperately!  And I learned that He is trustworthy. He always shows up. Sometimes it feels like He is so far away, but then in some unexpected way, He always lets me know that He is holding on, His grip is firm, and He will never let me go. From small things like randomly using a fork at a wedding with the initial B on it, or ordering a t-shirt online and finding out the business owner’s name is Brenna. There are bigger things like another Hope Mommy reaching out just when I need it most, or God placing someone in my life years earlier who would face a similar struggle so we could walk this path together.

When we found out we were pregnant again, God provided another Hope Mommy who was also pregnant. As our pregnancies progressed, we shared the ultimate walk by faith experience. I never fully understood why the symbol for faith is an anchor, but I get it now. We may be getting tossed around by the storm, and that storm may destroy everything in its path, but our Father, our anchor, never moves, never lets go, never fails, and is always victorious. I am so grateful that I know where Brenna is, that she lives in peace and joy, and that because Jesus loves us sinners, I am only temporarily separated from her. My baby lives because He died.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.

Hebrews 6:19-20

“I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

John 11:25-26

But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:5