Stop the Fighting: Helping Your Kids Get Along

Among all the uncertainties of this quarantine, fighting in my home has unfortunately been a constant. Here’s a snapshot of what it looks like:

Kid 1: “Mooooom! He took the remote from me, and it’s my turn to choose a show!”
Kid 2: “No! It’s my turn because your show was twice the length as my last one!”

Me: “Okay, now nobody gets to watch anything. Turn off the TV!

Kid 1: “That’s not fair! Now I don’t even get to have my turn!” Smack!
Kid 2: “Owwww! Why did you hit me?”
Kid 3: Snickers because her siblings are getting in trouble and she is not.
Kid 1: Stop laughing! Mommmmm!!!!!!!! She’s laughing at me!

Me: “Everyone, go to your room for time out!”

 Let’s dissect the scene above. First, Kid 1 is calling for me. He wants me to come help guide the conflict. I have noticed that my children fight the most when I am trying to do something without them. This tells me that they need me and my attention. I am usually on a phone call, cooking, working, or a video meeting when this scenario erupts. I have most likely encouraged my kids to do a quiet activity, like watching a screen, in order to give me some time to complete whatever it is I need to do.

Second, I immediately remove the screens when they are looking for me to help them resolve the problem. I do this because it stops the fighting at its immediate source, but it doesn’t help them resolve the conflict in a calm way. I certainly did not model being calm in my snap back to turn off the screen, as well.

Third, the fight did not de-escalate as I had hoped, but in fact escalated when I took away their privilege. It turned physical. Our children often turn to hitting, kicking, biting, etc., because they don’t have the words to express their feelings. They needed me to guide them in a conversation where I helped them find those words to express to each other.

Finally, I, once again, yelled for everyone to leave and go to their rooms for time out. No one has been quietly and calmly directed to have a conversation about being respectful of each other when taking turns, etc. Instead, I modeled how to yell in order to get what you want, and I wonder why they do the same thing? It’s usually in moments like this that I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). I know this truth. That’s how the Holy Spirit is able to remind me of it! But in my own preoccupation, I didn’t utilize what I know about God’s Word.

I need to surrender daily to Jesus and be with Him in prayer for my heart to change from the inside. Then, the outside behaviors will follow. Since I have already outed myself on my stellar parenting job during this quarantine, let’s talk about ways I, and all of us, can pray and go to God’s Word for wisdom in helping our kids get along.

First of all, use your community of believers. We may not be able to be together in person, but call your trusted friends in Christ and ask for help in prayer. Admit your struggles, and pray together through them. I did that very thing this week, and look at the wisdom God gave me through them by His good grace:

One friend suggested making a Family Rules Chart using the fruit of the Spirit. Discuss the rules as a family, and as situations arise, point to the chart to praise your children when God’s Word was followed, and use the chart to guide them when it was not. Follow through with consequences on the chart. Make sure both parents also go to the chart and apologize appropriately as well!

Smith House Rules

Love God & Love One Another  → “Love one another as I have loved you.” John 15:12
(hurting anyone in any way = time out in room)

Use Kind Words → “Gentle words bring life and health . . .” Proverbs 15:4
(unkind words = loss of electronics/TV)

Be Respectful & Obedient → “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10
(disobeying or disrespectful behavior = time out in room + apology note)

Be Honest → “The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in people who are trustworthy.” Proverbs 12:2
(Telling lies or not being truthful = a written apology)

Be Good Stewards → “The whole earth and everything in it and its inhabitants belong to the Lord.” Psalm 24:1
(not taking care of our “things” = item taken away)

Be Quick to Forgive → “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
(If we are offended, we are quick to offer grace and forgive. If we can’t, we will have quiet time in our rooms.)

Another wise friend expressed her conviction to train up her children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6). When her kids start fighting, she has been striving to stop, take a deep breath, and tell herself it is her job to step in and teach them how to resolve the problem. She then prays quickly for the Lord to guide her words and proceeds to teach them how to resolve the conflict.

Another friend who has older children and boys suggested to harness their competitive energy through games and chores in order to give them a healthy outlet to expend that pent-up aggression.

We have all been thrust into a situation that is testing everyone’s patience, but God is still with us, and we still have access to His Word and His people. Reach out to us, and we would be happy to pray with you and walk alongside you as you seek to guide your children.

Author

  • Ashleigh Ruzicka

    Ashleigh Ruzicka loves ministering to children and their families for God's glory as the Early Childhood Ministry Coordinator. She graduated from the University of Texas at Dallas and taught English in Frisco ISD for eight years until following the Lord’s plan to stay home with her three energetic children by the support of her gracious husband, Brad. She quickly realized her need for connection and found joy in being vulnerable and trying to figure out life with other women by digging into His Word at Stonebriar Community Church.

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