Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.
2 Corinthians 1:3
We had a plan. My husband and I got married in December of 2007, we bought our first home in September 2008, and we would get pregnant fall 2008. But what we soon discovered was God had a different, harder, and better plan for our lives. His plan included weakness, humility, tears, surrender, and more joy than I ever thought possible.
We started fertility treatments six months after we started trying. I could write a book about the tests, treatments, shots, etc., but God was doing something bigger than all that. He was refining us in a way I didn’t know we needed and certainly didn’t know we wanted. When I didn’t get pregnant quickly, the insecurities started; as time went on, those insecurities became a weight constantly pushing down on me and were reinforced every month that went by. I was devastated as I determined that my body did not work like other women; I felt defective.
At the beginning, I said really nice prayers and put on a really good front for God. I saved my real pain for my husband Greg, my mom, and my sisters. I was reading my Bible daily, looking for hope and promises, but just felt betrayed. God made all these promises to other people, but I did not see them in my life. Then I read “Jesus wept.” in John 11. Jesus knew He would bring Lazarus back to life, so I don’t think He cried because Lazarus had died. Martha and Mary were in pain, and Jesus wept with them because He loved them. This changed my relationship with God forever. I still didn’t know what His plan was for us. I still yearned to be a mom. I was still in pain, but I started to take all of that raw pain to God. I cried and talked to Him like I had never talked to Him before, and I listened. I would get on my knees and bring Him all of my junk. I would sob in the car after appointments, ask Him “Why?” and my tears would fall until I felt His presence wash over me. It was in the darkness of those moments that, for the first time, I felt His love for me.
Thankfully, God had even more planned for us. Our doctor told us it was time to move to the next level of fertility treatments. Because Greg and I had finally been listening to God, we knew this wasn’t the path He intended for us. We had no doubt that we were meant to be parents, but this wasn’t how we were meant to do that. At that appointment, we looked at each other and knew we were done with this and that our baby was going to come to us through adoption.
We started the adoption process in 2012. We knew this was how our family was always meant to grow. God was used to hearing all my crazy by now, so even with all the stress that came with the process, it was nothing like before. Waiting was still hard, and insecurities would still creep up, but we gave it to God and knew we weren’t just waiting for a baby, but our baby. On June 13, 2012, we spoke to Colleen’s birth mother for the first time. We shared our story, talked about music, listened to how she was feeling and her own insecurities, and started our relationship. Later that day, the phone rang while I was in the shower. I jumped out mid-shampoo and found out that Colleen’s birth mother wanted us to be Colleen’s parents. I cried to God again, but this time it was pure happiness. Colleen was born on September 28, 2012. We started the process again in 2014, and our Jensen was born August 21, 2015. His birth mother wanted us in the room during delivery, and I am still overwhelmed that she shared that moment with us. From 2008-2010, I had a hard time even at baby showers. I was jealous and angry that my body couldn’t do that. Fast forward to 2015, and I’m watching this amazing woman give birth, and instead of being sad that I could never do that, I was just in awe.
God gave us two beautiful children, and I can’t overstate how thankful we are for them . . . and He did more!
He held me in His arms for years, crying with me and whispering “Just wait, I’ve got you. I’m sorry this is hard, but I’m doing something big here. I love you, daughter.” He took me while I was broken and mended me into something whole and different. He made me thankful for my weakness because without it I couldn’t appreciate His strength. He gave Greg and me a foundation that cannot be shaken and that we will stand on for the rest of our lives together.
I continue to be in awe of God’s planning. Through the adoption process, He merged my path with the paths of two women I never would have known otherwise. I was able to be a part of the birth mothers’ strength and love in the midst of the hardest thing they had ever been through. They held our children in their wombs for 9 months, feeling kicks, getting heartburn, having their bladders pressed on, and then they gave them lives they couldn’t provide and a forever family with us. God knew we would need each other and was holding us the entire way leading up to it. I’m so thankful for a Father who embraces us in our weakness and doesn’t expect us to be strong.
We don’t have it all together, so I can’t offer that, but if you have junk and need to cry with someone, I’m your gal, and Stonebriar is your place.
