When Loud Is Enough

Staci was a natural talent. She could sing before she could talk. When she was four years old, her family was watching TV together. Soon after they watched a particular commercial, they heard the same jingle coming from the piano in the next room. Pre-kindergarten Staci accurately played the jingle instinctively. She obviously had an incredible gift. By her thirteenth birthday, she could play any number of instruments, but her singular gift was her voice. She was so good in fact that a very prestigious music conservatory invited her to train with a full scholarship. Staci and her family were overjoyed and accepted with enthusiasm.

On the first day of her voice class, the instructor asked all the students what their goal/dream was musically. One wanted to sing opera, another wanted to become a major jazz recording artist, and on it went. When the question was posed to Staci, she had her answer ready.

“I want to learn to be loud,” said Staci.

The instructor was stunned. “You mean that as a metaphor for expressing your music in creative and attention-grabbing ways?”

“No. I want to become really loud. I want the power of loudness and the satisfaction that will come from being loud. I’ve always been pretty loud, but here I want to take it to another level. When I am the loudest—my life will be good. People will admire me, and I will know I am someone.”

A good vocalist is the sum of perhaps 13 attributes all working together seamlessly. Occasionally, she will want to be loud, but music is about variation, timing, artistry, emotional connection, being on pitch, performance etc. etc. etc. Being loud is only one element that is needed occasionally but only at the right time and for a particular duration. Loud is a terribly insufficient goal for a vocalist.

A balanced life for a Christian is also the sum of perhaps 13 or even 137 attributes working together seamlessly. Thankfully the purpose for a Christ-following believer is no mystery. Loving God with all your heart is the most important, and loving others comes in second. This is stated in absolute terms by Jesus (Luke 10:27). Author Tim Kimmel rephrases this in his book Raising Kids for True Greatness.

“… true greatness is a passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others.”

The things we need to do in order to work this purpose out in our lives are absolutely contrary to our sin nature. To learn this stuff is challenging and confusing, and it should never be attempted in isolation. In order to fulfill this spiritual purpose, we need to learn new things, exercise them, and get better at them as we grow. The list includes learning Scripture well, desiring humility, serving others courageously, learning to love the things God loves, and learning to hate the things God hates. The life of a balanced Christian is a lot of things working together with good timing, artistry, emotional connection, etc. These things are difficult and elusive. This stuff will NOT happen by itself while our attention is on something else. If we do not give attention and energy to growing spiritually, it will not happen.

One of the features of a life of spiritual growth is that there is nothing particularly superior about it as far as the world is concerned. To be a loving, God-pursuing person does not typically win scholarships, but this kind of life does teach a kid how to love and be loved, manage one’s emotions, endure hardship, and live contently with what they have. This is also the kind of person that will freely take great risks as they rush into rescue those around who are being harmed and protecting those who are vulnerable. This kind of kid is not an underachiever but one who achieves the things God wants done. These are perhaps the MOST important kinds of things we want our kids to learn about and eventually become, but it kinda looks non spectacular and even middle-of-the-road normal. It sounds like I am suggesting that we recalibrate our parenting to “Shoot for the Middle” but I would suggest it is the highest kind of life we could hope for. Despite all of this, as a culture, even our Christian culture, we have been seduced to believe that there is nothing more important than some kind of unique superiority that will launch our kids into a life where all the other things in life (spiritual growth and maturity) will all just naturally come together because they are really good at perhaps one thing which we summarize as success.

The problem with the headlong devotion to success is that it doesn’t actually mean anything. Success in what? The pursuit of success usually plays out as “Becoming significantly superior in one singular thing.” If I choose to become the world’s best Orthopedic surgeon, I, by definition, need to push everything else aside. Everything. This is such a demanding field that families are second, hobbies are non-existent, and relationships can only be nurtured if they assist in the goal of becoming the best surgeon. If I want my kid to “succeed” and get into an Ivy League school or play sports in college, I might, without evaluating much, encourage my bright and talented kid to specialize in only one thing that will establish her as superior in this one thing—at the expense of the other terribly important 37 things that will NOT come naturally later.  The success assumption is that if we as a family work really hard so my kid becomes superior at one thing—all the other things that make life good and meaningful will come more easily and even automatically. This assumption works . . . never. Learning to specialize in anything in such a way that it displaces the very challenging work of loving God and loving others, which is the scriptural goal for all believers, is like devoting yourself to becoming loud instead of being a person who can sing beautiful music.

We have been fooled into assuming that the winner, the star, the gold medalist has gotten closer to the good life because of their devotion to one singular thing in life. Former hockey player/coach and sports psychologist Dave Jones states:

“The higher the success level, the greater the dysfunction.”

—Dave Jones

Hearing this shook me to my core. The success assumption is exactly the opposite of what Jones has concluded. Sports elites are not the only ones suffering from success. The highest academic performers are casualties, as well.

“Elite middle and high schools now commonly require three to five hours of homework a night; epidemiologists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have warned of schoolwork-induced sleep deprivation. Wealthy students show higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse than poor students do. They also suffer depression and anxiety at rates as much as triple those of their age peers throughout the country. A recent study of a Silicon Valley high school found that 54 percent of students displayed moderate to severe symptoms of depression, and 80 percent displayed moderate to severe symptoms of anxiety”.¹

To “succeed” at all cost seems to be its own penalty. To have achieved something that took everything you have does not primarily bring a sense of accomplishment and peaceful satisfaction. It typically creates new anxiety because this latest win must now be repeated or exceeded. Kids learn they are only as good as their latest achievement, and thus they feel a disruptive dysphoria if they are not constantly achieving. This is a perfect recipe for depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. I had a pretty high-achieving high school kid tell me that school was challenging and sports were stressful, but the most difficult and stressful part of his day was when he went home where he had to try and meet the terribly high expectations of his parents. Before we commit to years of travel for sports that will displace time spent in a good youth group, before thousands of dollars are spent on getting your kid to be all that he can be at the cost of all God wants him to be—perhaps it would be wise to consider what we as parents can do to allow our kids to play in the dirt more, spend relaxed time with friends more, practice serving others more, and pursue a life that is not chiefly characterized by achievement, anxiety, fear of disapproval, and exhaustion that leads to despair.

Becoming the kind of person who loves God more than anything else and loving others requires countless hours of relaxed conversation, playing together, and experimenting as we learn how to do relationships well. The relationship curriculum includes having fun and adventure. It demands that we learn to forgive and accept forgiveness. We must practice sacrifice while we learn to balance our need for boundaries. This is not easy stuff that will just happen by itself. This is the stuff of life that is demanding and emotionally challenging, and all of it is also true of our relationship with God. We need to learn what He wants from us and how He will help us do that. We must learn how to abide with Him and submit to Him and when to rush headlong to help others with His power and guidance. These things are not accessories to life. This is the stuff of a good life no matter what else has been accomplished or not. Music will not be made by a kid who is only loud. A purposeful and godly life will not be made by a kid who only knows how to be successful. Aim higher than success.