Our son is a senior in high school and in a few short weeks will be launching into his next big adventure. (Yes, I am having a crisis about that, but that’s a subject for another post.) Looking back, I can see at least 100 decisions that his dad and I made that influenced who my son is and the path he is choosing to walk now. My husband and I are such different people that at each of these decision points, we seldom agreed. Some decisions were bigger than others, such as my belief that our son should work while in high school, and his dad’s belief that he needed to dedicate all his extra time to studying, or his dad’s rule that there would be no video games in our house (which I felt was unrealistic).
After almost 30 years of marriage, we have learned many lessons the hard way, but our biggest lesson has been how to navigate the waters of parenting when we don’t agree. Here is our list that has guided us through the good and the bad days of parenting.
When You Don’t Agree
1. Pray for your spouse and marriage.
Chances are, you launched your marriage with both promises and prayers. Pray for your spouse and ask for guidance as you make the kind of effort that simply won’t float without turning to God every day. The Bible tells us the very definition of marriage, and it tells us that two are better than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). My husband and I have found Proverbs 24:3-4 a good reminder of where to start when praying and working together:
By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established;
through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.Proverbs 24:3-4
2. Listen, and then listen, and then listen some more.
So much of a person’s approach to parenting is influenced by the parents they had as a child. You spend most of your adulthood either trying to parent differently or replicate the same approach your parents had. But unless you grew up in the same home as your spouse, you need to dig in and understand what is influencing their position. It might not be right at the surface, but by taking time to listen to your spouse, you can start to see what is at the root of their perspective.
3. Decisions don’t have to be made at the first discussion.
Over time, my husband and I have developed a habit of introducing a topic, expressing our position, and then letting the subject rest. In terms of personality temperament, I am a hot RED, and my husband is a cool BLUE. It took us years to find the give and take between my need to resolve the issue and his need to mull it over.
4. Pray over the big and small decisions.
It is normal to take the big decisions (such as where to send your child to college or which neighborhood to buy a house in) to God in prayer. But the practice of taking all decisions, both big and small, to God in prayer opens your heart and mind to God’s ongoing presence in your lives and home. Pray before entering a conversation that will be tough, pause at moments of tension and pray silently or together, and pray prayers of thanks when there is resolution.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Philippians 4:6
5. Your spouse’s happiness is more important than winning a disagreement.
Learning to put your spouse’s feelings first nurtures trust, gratitude, generosity, and affection. As the bonds of trust grow in your relationship, you and your spouse will be more willing to take a risk on a decision you don’t agree with.
6. Put the relationship ahead of everything, including your children.
It’s unfortunate, but time has a way of eating away at our priorities. Our lives are quickly crowded with responsibilities of work, children, aging parents, golf, football, or you name it. Marriages don’t work well when our spouse plays second fiddle to anything, even the children. The happiest kids are those whose parents loved one another best.
7. Humble yourself and allow your spouse to be right.
I remember when our son was young, I wanted him to be on the local swim team. My husband was sure swimming was not his gift and wanted to try something else. I was so dug in, I dragged that kid to swimming lessons, coaches, and tryouts all over town. Finally, it was my son who spoke up and said he didn’t want to swim because he was like a lead weight in the pool. If I had allowed my husband to be right, I would have saved a lot of time, money, and embarrassment for my son.
8. Choose love!
There are days when you will not find common ground, when you will not agree, but instead of walking around in anger and carrying hurt feelings, make the conscious choice to love each other. Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. When you make the choice to love your spouse even when it seems hard, you are making the choice to trust your spouse with your heart and trust God’s presence in your life and family.
A marriage is a lifetime of growth and learning. I can think of very few people who come to marriage fully mature and ready to make all the compromises, sacrifices, and effort required to build a strong, contented relationship. Parenting together adds another level of difficulty to the marriage. But being committed to love each other, listen to each other, and keep God in the center is the place to start when you disagree.
There are times when disagreements cannot be resolved without the help of a counselor or therapy. If you’d like help taking that next step, please reach out to us at parentingpathwayblog@stonebriar.org.
