We have all experienced a well-meaning friend, relative, or acquaintance giving their feedback on our parenting choices. Whether it’s screen time, breastfeeding, schooling choices, or literally ANYTHING else, everyone has a strong opinion on what they feel is best for children. Some of these opinions come in gentle, guiding words, but others can come in loud, scary, judgmental screams meant to harm and discourage other parents.
We’ve all felt this, but did you know this caused the coining of the term “parent shaming”? As I remember my own moments of stress when feeling put down by other moms through a screen or in person, I wonder if moms before us felt this same sort of shame, too. How did they overcome the worry and constant voices? Could they hear God anywhere in it?
I decided to ask two precious mommas of previous generations for their stories, and their wisdom will bless me as I raise my own two little boys.
Interview with a Previous Generation Mom: Virginia
Meet Virginia (aka Virg.): Virg is a dedicated wife, mom, and incredible servant leader at our church. Here, she shared some of her experiences raising three boys in the late sixties and early seventies.
Q: As a parent in the seventies, where/who did you feel the most “parent shaming” from?
A: Back in those days, we watched each other’s kids and there wasn’t shaming from other moms. It felt more like a village. Some family member did say I was too hard on the kids, and they would give me a hard time about that sometimes.
Q: At the time, how did you overcome those feelings of shame?
A: I just kind of felt like I was doing the best that I could without judging other people. You have to do what you think is right for your family, and that’s what I always did.
Q: Any advice for young moms in our generation?
A: Take time with your kids to appreciate what unique qualities they have and not to judge them so harshly. Some children can be wild, but you must work with them and not get upset. They need your influence to teach them instead of giving in to their every desire.
Interview with a Previous Generation Mom: Stephanie
Meet Stephanie: Stephanie serves faithfully in our church’s hospitality ministry, is an elder’s wife, and raised three boys in the early 2000’s.
Q: As a parent in the early 2000’s, where/who did you feel the most “parent shaming” from?
A: I felt parent shaming from friends or other parents in my circle who would have considered my husband and I to be rigid in raising our boys. Also, we had family members criticizing our parenting choices. One of the issues that came up repeatedly was our decision to not allow our boys to participate in sleepovers. We only allowed them to do “late-overs,” and we received harsh judgment from others.
Q: At the time, how did you overcome those feelings of shame?
A: I didn’t feel shame. I felt proud of the decisions we were making as partners in parenting and had peace. We sought the counsel of older parents who we respected to see what they were doing to raise their kids. For our boys, the top issues we were dealing with were gaming, cell phones, and sleepovers.
Q: Any advice for young moms in our generation?
A: Get counseling sooner rather than later. We all come into our marriages with baggage we don’t know how to handle on our own, and then we are handed the huge weight of raising kids. We can miss out on God’s blessings because of our own garbage, so don’t wait to find your sin patterns to overcome those. Deal with them early and swiftly to find the most joy and peace in your marriage and family.
Interview with a Current Mom of Littles: Nikki
Meet me, Nikki. As a voice for our generation of mommas trying to raise our littles to know Jesus, I am honored to share my experiences with you.
Q: As a parent in our generation, where/who did you feel the most “parent shaming” from?
A: Honestly, me. In this age of constantly sharing only our very best moments online, I can feel like an extreme failure. I yell, cry, make mistakes constantly, and I’m not seeing anyone else around me crumbling like I am. I can also get lost in the put-downs and extreme name-calling in online “mom groups.” Shame is rampant in these online circles where we are just trying to connect with other humans who can understand our struggles as moms.
Q: During these times, how did you overcome those feelings of shame?
A: I got offline for a long time. I completely deleted my Instagram because that was the source of most of my comparison depression, and I took months away from all of it. I plugged into a group of moms at church who were vulnerable, held me accountable, and led me back to Jesus and His Word.
Q: Any advice for young moms in our generation?
A: Stop looking over and start looking up! Your worth and value is found ONLY in Jesus.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
Ephesians 1:3-6 (ESV)
You are not only worthy when your children behave. You are not only worthy when your house is clean. You are not only worthy when your marriage is full of romance and passion.
You are worthy, always. In your lowest of lows, and in your highest of highs, you belong to a God who delights in you. Cheer for other parents, encourage their kids, and love on those who are struggling.
There is no shame in Him, my friends. Remember to live in that daily.
