Very few of us approach parenting with confidence. Even if you read every parenting book, you will undoubtedly encounter situations that you are completely unprepared for. There is nothing more humbling than that first speed bump you hit when parenting, and you realize that this parenting thing is a lot harder than it looks.
Discipline is one of those things we get asked about all the time. Whether you are dealing with a preschooler who is biting, an elementary child who is lying, or a teenager who misses their curfew, every parent is looking for the next idea that might crack the code to changing those hard-to-manage situations.
As you read this, you know there is no one right answer for every situation, but there are some foundational ideas that if you start working on early, they will help carry you through the rocky days ahead. Remember that raising children and launching them into the world is a marathon, not a sprint, and taking a long-term view of your relationship with your child will help.
Discipline Foundations
1. Establish a relationship of love.
It seems almost common sense to say this, but your child needs to know that no matter what they do, how they behave, or what situation they find themselves in, you will always love them. This does not mean that you do not discipline them; it means that you are a safe place and that your love is constant.
2. Teach them respect.
This starts early by not allowing your preschooler to back-talk or push you away when you are helping them. When you say something like, “No sir! You don’t push mommy away when I am helping you,” you are setting the foundation for how they are to treat you. Maybe you’ll do this by not allowing your preteen to roll their eyes when you are talking to them. We used to charge our son a dollar every time he rolled his eyes at us. (Those eye-rolls paid for a few nice dinners out for his dad and me in his early teen years.) The point is to teach your kids that they are to treat you with the respect you deserve as the parent. And in return, you will treat them with the respect they earn.
3. Set clear standards and expectations early.
Just as with teaching respect, you want to set the standard for behavior in your family. When our son was young, my husband had a clear not acting out policy when we were in public. If our son pitched a fit at the grocery store, my husband would leave, and there would be no groceries that day. If our son was loud and misbehaving in a restaurant, we left, sometimes before we even ordered. These standards of behavior should include how we treat our siblings, friends, authority figures such as teachers and coaches, and other adults we encounter. They can also include practical expectations like everyone helps maintain our home, everyone helps serve and clean up after meals, etc.
4. Be consistent.
Children need consistency in schedules, discipline, and expectations. They need to know that if they behave in a certain way, the result will be the same every time. It is often easier to give in “just this one time”, but in the long run, you are rewarding bad behavior and setting a pattern that encourages your child to test the boundaries. A young mom once complained that her daughter was always negotiating for a longer bedtime routine; after listening to the story, it was clear mom and dad needed to establish a consistent routine and consistently follow it.
5. Invest time in a relationship.
Your children need to know that you love them, but that you also like them and are eager to spend time with them. You do this throughout their life by listening to their stories, hanging out with them, and being an eager steward of your child. No two children are alike, but by investing time in each, you have the opportunity to know what makes them tick, what motivates them, what they worry about, and how to best parent them.
6. Find your child’s currency.
When planning consequences for behavior, it is key to know what motivates your child and what they value. Removing screen time might not be the best punishment for a child who prefers to hang with their friends. But removing social interactions such as time out or grounding from activities might be the right motivator to change behavior.
7. Don’t discipline in anger.
There is value in taking a step back, evaluating the situation, and allowing both you and your child to calm down. Telling your child to go to their room and you going to yours demonstrates self-control and that you respect and care for your relationship with your child. After a cooling off period, you and your child are in a better place to talk about what happened, what choices they made, and how they can make better choices in the future.
8. Remember to say I’m sorry.
Invariably, you will make a mistake in your parenting journey. You will discipline too harshly for the situation, you will lose your cool and lash out in anger, you will not show respect when you should, you will miss a key signal that you should have caught in your stewardship, and so on. It is at these times that you need to have the respect and humility to apologize to your child and ask for their forgiveness.
Discipline is not always about punishment and bad behavior, but about shaping the character of our children into the adults God desires them to be. As we admire their uniqueness, it is good to remember we all need shaping, molding, and modeling to be refined.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11
