Know Your Child’s Love Language

Yesterday, my son had one of those days. You know the kind—a long day at school, he had been up too late the night before, a kid at school called him a name, and on and on. He got into the car and burst into tears. All the things that he normally lets roll off his back had finally built up and exploded in an emotional release. I knew that he needed an evening off and some time to reset. I decided I’d drop everything on my plate to simply snuggle with him and give him uninterrupted time together. We laid in his bed, and I watched him play video games for over an hour. We chatted and connected, and as the minutes ticked by, the stress and sadness from the day just melted. His smile returned, and his humor came back. We had a good talk about how much our words matter and why sometimes kids are just mean.

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have dealt with this as well. I may have missed this opportunity to connect with him and prioritize quality time together. But for my son, nothing is as meaningful as when we set aside time like this, and I have learned it solves a multitude of issues.

All three of my children are extraordinarily different. Not only in how they think, but in how they receive criticism, how we discipline them, how they learn, their behavior—everything!

When my husband and I were engaged to be married, the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman was recommended to us. It’s full of useful information and has become the gold standard when learning how to love your spouse. If only we had also received a manual for our kids when we left the hospital, explaining how to love them best!  After making many mistakes along the way, we have discovered that we should embrace the way God made our kids and adapt to them, instead of the other way around.

Now, hear me out. I’m not saying that there aren’t expectations for behavior that are universal. None of our kids are excused from lying, disrespect, etc. But rather, what if I approached parenting for the individual rather than expecting the identical thing from each child?

Years ago, I read an article from Chuck Swindoll about parenting to each child’s bent—the way God designed and made them. It radically changed my parenting style. He speaks about how Proverbs 22:6 has often been misinterpreted and offers this wonderful advice:

“The best parental training is accomplished when we opt for inspiration instead of coercion. We do this by discovering the child’s natural desires and unique abilities and by encouraging the behavior that will allow him or her to develop accordingly… We receive each child from the hand of God, not as a malleable lump of clay to be molded in whatever way we see fit, but as a unique, distinctive person with a destiny. We are to honor God’s creation of this one-of-a-kind individual by adapting our training to his or her characteristic manner. To fight it is to fight God’s creation.”

Each Child Is Uniquely Made

I’ve often said my son is a mystery to me. He is dramatically different from me. Where I people-please, he is only self-motivated. Where I desire relationships with many, he has a small inner circle. Where I desire to go with the “norm”, he wants to find his own unique way. Where I jump in enthusiastically, he carefully observes before commitment.

When I stopped fighting against my son’s natural inclinations, I began to see him for how God made him. I began to love him better and see him more clearly. The “mystery” that used to frustrate me now fascinates me. I see his unique, quirky, independent self and wish I had some of that within me. When the pandemic hit, he flourished, confirming to us that he thrives on that individual time. And let me tell you, at the end of a long day when he requests to spend time with me, sometimes it takes all I have to say an enthusiastic YES. But I’ve learned that those 30 minutes of time together will pay off with much more in the long run.

Then my daughter arrived. She is so gentle of spirit, kind, thoughtful, and a peacemaker. She is also extra sensitive, bursting into tears when things are too loud or too busy. She loves following the rules and wants to excel at everything from her handwriting to singing to fashion.  She sees the best in everyone and everything. She is the inspiration for the idiom “rose-colored glasses.” And to my surprise, all these wonderful qualities were a different kind of challenge. Disciplining her resulted in crushing her spirit to the core. Her daddy’s booming voice is too harsh. School can be difficult because she is terrified of sticking out or making a mistake. And she is deeply affected by injustice of any kind. So everything we do as parents is to develop her individual voice and encourage her to be confident in how God made her. She needs to be reminded that her worth is in Christ alone and not in her ability to perform perfectly.  We love her best by trying to see the world more like she sees it. Even if something isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, it IS to her. Dismissing her sensitive feelings wounds her further. Her love languages are gifts and words of affirmation. I struggled with the “gifts” part for awhile because I don’t want her to think that “stuff” is the most important thing—until I realized that it’s the thoughtfulness behind the gift that means the most to her. A handwritten note is just as wonderful to her as a new Barbie.

Just when I thought we had this parenting thing down, our third child arrived and turned our world on its head. She is spunky, spicy, smart, and a total spitfire. She will run the world one day, and the rest of us had better get out of her way. She talks constantly and hasn’t met a stranger yet. She has more charm than anyone I know, which makes discipline difficult. Often my discipline for her is met with a look that says, “whatever, lady.” And then she smiles with all the joy in the world, and I want to just forgive her and move on. However, more than any of our children, she requires firm and consistent discipline. Her love language is physical touch, which also happens to be one of mine. She wants to rock for an hour, snuggle on the couch, kiss and hug, and then kiss again.

Maybe you relate to some of this with your own children. I went into parenting thinking I had a pretty good idea of what I was doing. Joke’s on me! However, in the midst of the parenting struggles we all face, have grace for yourself. We are so often flying blind! When I discovered what love language fit my children best, I discovered an entirely new way to approach our relationship. It helped me learn what their “currency” was, and it’s much easier to motivate and discipline them now.

Parents, embrace who your children are. Guide them and help mold them, but allow God’s creation to shine through. After all, He designed them perfectly.