This is drop off season—the season of life transitions where we drop off our kids at new schools, new classrooms, new co-ops, new study groups, new cities, new experiences. All this new raises the level of anxiety for both kids and parents. Even if your child is entering a new grade at the same school they’ve been at for years, the start of a new school year can still bring high anxiety moments.
Since our focus is often on the separation anxiety our kids experience at these milestones, too often we as parents neglect our own separation anxiety. Parents express many different worries about how their children will manage in new seasons. We wonder, “Is my child going to be okay? Are they ready to handle this? Will they call me if they need help?” But what we often fail to be aware of is that we may be even more anxious (consciously or unconsciously) about our own well-being. We secretly wonder, “Am I going to be okay?”
A couple years ago, a friend dropped off her kindergartner for his first day of school. She took such joy in his excitement. He had been looking forward to being a big boy all summer and was eager to go to school with his big sister. After dropping him off, my friend returned to her car and shed a few tears and then went about her busy day. But as the day progressed, she noticed she missed him. She would hear their favorite “rock out” song and notice she was “rocking out alone”. She missed not having his constant conversation while running errands. As she went through the days and weeks that followed, she noticed she was not okay.
Her struggle was not about the changes in her son’s life, and in most situations her struggle was not about the changes in her own life. She enjoyed the freedom childless days gave her. She enjoyed seeing her son excel at school and enjoyed the time they spent together at the end of each day. She just needed what all parents need—to give ourselves lots of grace and time to adjust to these changes. You’ve had so many years one way with your child; it is natural to take time to adjust to a new way. It honors what you’ve had…and loved.
Tips to Thriving in Drop Off Season:
1. Don’t expect yourself to know how to do something you’ve never done before.
We don’t expect this of our kids; why should we expect it of ourselves? Even if you’ve already sent a child through this phase of life, you haven’t sent THIS child, and if you have, you haven’t sent them out at this exact time. Take small steps and allow yourself to do it badly, and then work to do it well.
2. Set up a communication plan for you and your children.
During college orientation, a guidance counselor I know says that a once-a-week phone call is better than daily calls. He said that, even if you kids are used to daily conversations with you, it is much better for them and you to experience a separation. There are many emotional ups and downs, and if you are on the phone daily going up and down with them, you will lose perspective and it won’t help them. A once-a-week phone call is a much better way to provide time to process everything. Then you get to hear the highlights at the end of the week.
This can be true for your child with a cell phone at middle or high school, too. Set up boundaries of texting and calling during the school day. Confession . . . I used to text and ask my son how his day was going. I quit after he told me I was smothering him. But even now I have to fight the urge to text, “Just checking in.”
3. Take extra care of yourself.
Rest, fresh air and sunshine, good food, maybe a daily walk: these feed your mind and body and, in turn, feed your heart.
4. Find a new hobby, or reinvent an old one!
What is that thing that you have always enjoyed but never had time to really pursue because you were raising kids? Go back there and do it for you!
5. Find people in the same stage of life.
So much can be gained by sharing your stories and hearing stories. Find people to talk with, cry with, pray with, and share crazy stories with. It will help you to feel less isolated in your grief. It will also help to validate that you are not alone, not “the only one,” and these feeling are normal. This is a great time to make some new friends and share your soul.
PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.
A friend and mom mentor of mine, Cathy Carl, shared with me, “I don’t think I’ve ever prayed more than when my kids were freshmen in college. It is a huge step, and it’s super hard to release them into the wild. But I found that my prayers kept me calmer, and my kids sensed my lack of anxiety, which made them feel more confident. If mom is anxious, they think maybe she doesn’t think they can do it! I prayed for Christian friends, good professors, and God’s protection on repeat. And He was so faithful to answer my prayers. None of our three sailed through effortlessly, but they all survived and became stronger, more independent adults. Yay!”
Turn to Scripture.
This summer when I dropped off my son for a summer program, my fellow ministry partner and dear friend Linda Wylie reminded me to turn to Scripture. Here are some of her favorite verses that have also become mine this summer:
Need to be reminded that God loves you, even when you don’t feel lovable?
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Need to be reminded that your child does not need you to smother them?
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7
Need to be reminded that you don’t need to know everything?
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Need to be reminded of God’s love for your and your children?
Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
Trust that you will gradually find new ways to connect with your away-from-you kids and feed your relationship. You have equipped your child to love and give because you have loved and given to them.
