Launching Well

My son is leaving today . . . again.

This is our third time we have “child returning home and leaving thing.” I keep thinking this will get easier, but it has not… yet. I look ahead at the calendar, and I plan when he will be home again, locking those dates firmly in my mind. If I focus on that, today won’t feel so empty. A friend recently asked me to write about launching well. After I almost spewed my coffee, I confessed I am not doing this well. My son is doing GREAT, but me? Not so much.

Sometimes I sit across the table from my son at home, and I don’t recognize him. He talks about his future, his dreams, the good stuff and the bad stuff in his life. He tells stories about friends I don’t know and experiences I have not shared. It’s in those moments I miss him—who he was before he went off and grew up. In the time he is gone, he is doing great things. I could not be more proud or more excited for him and all he will learn and experience.

But for me, this is so different from what I expected. I expected him to leave after graduation, and me to miss him. I expected him to grow up and expand his sense of independence, and me to be proud of who he was becoming. But I did not expect to meet a totally different person wrapped around small glimpses of the son he is in my mind each time he returns home. I miss that sweet son, but I love this young man.

I find the contrast here striking. When we think about “launching well,” we think about sending our kids off into the world, asking questions like, “Do they have the skills to live independently? Do they have the self-control to manage all that the world will put in front of them?” But for us parents, we also need to ask ourselves if we are prepared for them to launch well. Thankfully, there are some things we can do in preparation to make this process a little more smooth for both parent and child.

Skills For Launching Well

1. Push your child to independence NOW!

Whether your child is a freshman or a senior in high school, it does not matter. The target is for independence by the time they leave. To practice independence, I suggest they develop:

• Ability to manage their own schedule. When they go to bed, get up, go to school and work, and spend free time. The day you drop them off at college or their next phase in life, they will be in charge of their schedule without your regular rules and reminders.
• Ability to manage their own money. I highly recommend that kids work while in high school, but each family and kid is different. The key is to make sure they know how to take an allotment of money and make it stretch to cover all of their expenses for a period of time.
• Ability to have a phone conversation. They need to be able to schedule their own appointments, call customer service to ask questions, and return voice messages.
• Ability to talk with an adult. Can they look an adult in the eye—one they know or don’t know—and carry on a conversation?
• If they are going to be driving back and forth, make sure they know how to maintain their car. This would include how to get regular service such as oil changes and tire rotation, as well as what to do in case of an accident or a breakdown.
• Ability to manage basic home and personal skills, such as grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, or even taking out the trash without being reminded.

2. Manage their ANXIETY.

Our kids are living in a very anxious world, and many of our kids struggle to manage their anxiety. Before they leave home, they need the skills to recognize their anxiety and seek help. To practice anxiety management, I suggest for your child to:

• Practice walking into a room of people where they don’t know anyone. Discuss how you introduce yourself and engage in small/getting-to-know-you talk.
• Practice alone adventures, and try doing new things—challenging things—with friends.
• Have a plan for how to manage their anxiety. What are their steps for self-soothing? How can they tell when they need help, and how will they get it?
• There are more tips for helping your teen manage their anxiety at Take the Anxiety Out of Teen Anxiety, here on Parenting Pathway

3. Build Community.

Even if your child is leaving home with a friend from high school, they need to understand how to build their own community. Will they attend church or get active with a campus group? Will they participate in music or sports? Help them set up a plan for the first few weeks on campus to help them get off to a good start. Use college orientation weekends as an opportunity for them to practice these skills.

4. Remind them they are NEVER alone.

They need the skills to be able to turn to God in both the good and the bad times. This one is last because it is the most important and seems to be the hardest for our kids to grasp. So many of our children go to church out of habit or because we make them. Consequently, they do not have the skills to study the Bible on their own, and they have not learned how to connect with God on an ongoing basis.

• Starting early, encouraging your child to develop the discipline of daily time with God. This can be as simple as having a conversation with God while they are driving to school.
• Point them to online resources such as the Bible app, devotional Bibles, and even RightNow Media that have reading plans, devotionals, and Q&A resources to help them navigate real life problems.
• Allow them to see your day-to-day relationship with God and how you turn to Him in good times and bad times.

And for parents, one of the best resources I have found is on the website Audience of One, started by Trisha Sheffield, to offer faith-focused encouragement and equip parents for the empty nest season of life.