Have you ever watched a group of two-year-old children play? Even at this very young age, their unique temperament is very apparent. It is as though they came out of the womb with their unique wiring already in place. Watching them—there is always a strong leader taking charge of everyone and everything; there is the silly “look at me” bright sunshine of the group; there is usually a cautious, shy child who needs to study the situation before jumping in; and finally there is the child who needs order and structure (the one who lines their cars up in a tight row and needs the crayons in the box with the tops up). These are not learned personality types; this is just who they are. These traits are a matter of temperament.
The idea of temperaments is not new. Hippocrates—who is considered to be the father of modern medicine, born in 460 B.C.—first described four categories of human traits and behaviors, now known as the four temperaments. Later, Galen of Pergamon—a Greek physician, surgeon, and philosopher in the Roman Empire, born 129 A.D.—continued the study of temperaments and applied Greek names to them: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic, and Phlegmatic. More than 2000 years later, these classifications form the basis for modern psychology and personality profile systems such as Myers-Briggs.
What if you had the ability to understand your child’s unique temperament and knew how to speak words to them that would encourage them, speak life over them, and discipline them?
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29
Temperament is your innate wiring from God. Much like your eye color and fingerprints, it is unchangeable. This is not to be confused with personality, which is highly influenced by the environment, birth order, education, and experience.
Four Temperaments
Sanguine/Yellow
- Speak the language of people and fun.
- They show their emotions openly and wear their hearts on their sleeves.
- They are the life of the party, and most people would describe them as “loud.”
- They are charismatic leaders, charming others into doing what they want them to do.
- Their innate needs include approval, acceptance, attention, and affection.
Choleric/Red
- Speak the language of power and control.
- They are dynamic leaders and task-driven encouragers who delegate well to others.
- They are comfortable being in charge but will follow a strong leader.
- They are self-directed, responsible, and always have a plan or a purpose.
- Their innate needs include loyalty, a sense of control, appreciation, and credit for their work.
Phlegmatic/Green
- Speak the language of calm and harmony.
- They are kind, considerate, easygoing, sensible, and reflective.
- They are good shepherd leaders, who are steady, faithful, and have great common sense
- They are warm and inviting, they make friends easily, but they are also comfortable alone.
- Their innate needs include harmony, feeling of worth, lack of stress, and respect.
Melancholic/Blue
- Speak the language of order, perfection, and logic.
- They are deep thinkers, reflective, serious, and purposeful. People would describe them as “old souls.”
- They are cautious in what they take on and need to finish what they start.
- They can be creative, musical, or artistic, but they prefer solo pursuits.
- Their innate needs include safety, sensitivity, support, space to think, and silence.
What your child wants you to know
Sanguine/Yellow: I am intelligent and capable of being serious when it is required.
Choleric/Red: I have thought through my decisions and have a good reason for them.
Phlegmatic/Green: I have ideas and opinions. If I don’t speak up, please ask.
Melancholic/Blue: I am reserved, but I really do want to be invited and included.
How to parent using your child’s temperament
As Christian parents, we want to consider the words of Paul in Ephesians and avoid tearing down our children with words, instead building them up in the language that makes sense to them.
- Determine both your temperament and your child’s temperament. You can do that by studying their innate character and noticing what they are like on both a good day and a bad day. You can also use online tools such as kindwordsarecool.com.
- Learn to speak into your child’s temperament, while staying in your own strength. God uniquely wired you with specific strengths of your own temperament for a reason. He also purposefully placed your children with their unique temperaments. A Sanguine/Yellow parent will parent a Phlegmatic/Green child differently than a Melancholic/Blue parent will.
- Remember your child’s innate needs and choose your words to build them up. By knowing your child’s temperament, you essentially have a cheat sheet for parenting them well. Use actions and words to build them up, discipline them, and encourage them.
Ideas for Building Up Your Child
Sanguine/Yellow
- Listen to their stories.
- Be positive, and match their enthusiasm. “It sounds like you had so much fun today.”
- Laugh with them.
- Take them seriously when needed. “I can tell you are upset, and you have every right to be.”
Choleric/Red
- Give them something to be in control of, even if it is choosing their own clothing.
- Recognize their work.
- Set clear boundaries that allow them room to operate.
- Ask their opinion, and let them decide. “Where should we eat today? You pick.”
Phlegmatic/Green
- Let them do one task at a time.
- Be kind with your feedback and criticism.
- Give them time to process. “Think about it, and we can talk more later.”
- Listen completely, without interruptions and distractions.
Melancholic/Blue
- Notice when they need help, and help them create a plan B when things aren’t going according to plan.
- Encourage their creativity.
- Help them feel safe, and allow them to discuss their worries. “Tell me what you are worried about.”
- Allow them room, and do not infringe on their need for space and silence.
Additional Resources
- I Said This, You Heard That Workbook, by Kathleen Edelman
- A Grown-Up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring, by Kathleen Edelman
- Personality Types: Becoming a Student of Your Child, Birds on a Wire Moms, Wire Talk Podcast
