On the path to a good marriage and a healthy family, I feel like a pioneer on a long wagon train journey to Oregon. I am somewhere past the middle point. I can look back and see the trail we’ve been on. It had many good days and even good seasons. I can also recall large piles of regret and outright failure. I think that’s about normal. As I look forward, I see good country ahead, and yet I know that there are hidden dangers. Bandits, dangerous rivers to cross, and of course, I will be there too. My presence can be a great gift to my little troop, or I can be a burden that drags behind. I’ve been both in the past, and I guess I’ll be both again. I’m working on stuff to ensure that I will be more gift than burden going forward.
I used all those words by way of introduction to assure you I do NOT have this down. I do, however, have some perspective on the territory we’ve already traveled, so I would like to give you a few thoughts from my life’s experience – a bit more than half done.
Thoughts from My Life’s Experience
1. Humility is the key to the Kingdom – literally.
“Humility is the only soil in which the graces root; the lack of humility is the sufficient explanation of every defect and failure. Humility is not so much a grace or virtue along with others; it is the root of all, because it alone takes the right attitude before God, and allows Him as God to do all.”
― Andrew Murray, Humility: The Journey Toward Holiness
Humility is not just a virtue – it is the key to all the other virtues! I just love Andrew Murray!! The lack of humility in my life has resulted in a series of failures followed by my frantic attempt to blame those failures on someone else. Most of the time that was directed toward my wife (so sorry, babe). A person without humility creates a fantasy world where they believe they must never be wrong. “If I am wrong,” they reason, “then I am a failure with no value whatsoever.” You may be thinking; “Wait a minute, how did we jump from being wrong on one single thing to being a total failure??” I know it sounds crazy. It is crazy. Because of this ridiculous and very dark belief, we will fight like our life depends on it, merely to LOOK like we are right even when we know we’re wrong. This sounds more and more like insanity, but I bet you do it too. This is pride writ large. It is dumb and ruinous. Also, no one around this person is confused for one moment about what they’re doing. Everyone near and far can casually observe that the prideful person is wrong while they ridiculously pretend that they are not. In this process, those we care about the most increasingly lose respect for us. This is a vicious, downward spiral.
As an alternative to that disastrous strategy, what if I prayed for humility from God? What if He began allowing me to see things more clearly and more truly? What if I received healing from God enough to be able to comfortably say, “Well, I sure got that wrong”? I could then just clean up the mess I made. Then I could live without fear of being wrong and ashamed in the future. Next time I fail this way, I’ll just take care of the mess I make when I’m wrong. Nothing here to be afraid of. When my hands get dirty, I’m not filled with fear and overwhelmed by shame. I just wash up before dinner. Easy peezy. When I’m wrong, there doesn’t have to be a hurricane of shame swirling around me. I could just clean it up with an apology and get on with the good stuff, the fun stuff, the building relationship kind of stuff. So much freedom to be had here. I want me more of that.
2. High control of those we love most = dysfunctional relationships.
I once met a mom who introduced herself to me with her name and the statement, “My children are my life.”
Her kids were both standing on each side of her. They were both in high school. It was a terrible moment. I knew this was bad, and I think both kids knew it was bad. This poor mom had all of her purpose and value wrapped up in the behavior, safety, and success of her two kids. This is a very thin wire for a parent to dangle from. It is also a suffocating burden for the kids. Some kids can endure this enormous pressure. Most, however, will come to resent the high control and one day run off, escaping to freedom. This jailbreak is terrible and painful for everyone. Occasionally, a kid will make it her goal to bring shame on the over-controlling parent as she leaves. The crushing burden of high control often breaks precious things in the soul of a child.
I’ve been both too controlling of my kids and too lax. Parenting and relationship is not a science; it is much more like finger painting or gardening. You don’t overcontrol your vegetable garden. You do a few rather simple things for the seeds, and then all kinds of magic happens that we can’t begin to understand. Stuff just grows and blooms while we’re off doing something else. Then it swells into something beautiful and nourishing to all. (I’m thinking zucchini or bell peppers, not broccoli. Broccoli is just nasty.) It’s miraculous stuff here.
High control is ruinous to any relationship. How much control is too much? I don’t know. Ask your kids. Ask God directly, and ask parents who are a bit older than you what they think. Just asking is a great exercise of humility. If cornered, I’d suggest there should be a “helpful amount of control” and no more. The older your kids get, the less control you want have over them.
There are more thoughts, but I just got hungry, and my word count is getting high, so in summary . . .
- Humility.
- A helpful amount of control and no more.
- A ton of humble but intense prayer for our relationships. God is all about relationship. He wants them to be healthy and growing even more than we do.
- Oh, and have fun. Have lots of fun in your marriage and family. It just makes things . . . more fun.
