3 Reasons Why Saying “I’m Sorry” as a Parent Matters
Being wrong stinks. It especially stinks when you are the one in charge. Or the expert. The boss. Mom or dad. There seems be a default stance in parenting to be the one in total control, have all the power, or just present a strong front. The problem is that there is a blurred line between a strong front and an infallible front. The truth is, many of you have likely already found that open communication and apologizing to others when warranted has reaped rewards in your marriage, friendships, and other relationships. Doing so with your child really isn’t any different.
Saying you’re sorry to someone may feel difficult or daunting, but like exercising any weak muscle, it is so important and gets easier over time! The more you do it, the better you become at it. And the better you feel afterwards! This from a woman who simply “made donations” to a gym for the last few years. But the analogy holds up, I think.
I’m not a social-emotional expert or child psychologist, but there are three main reasons why I jumped at this topic 1.) I deeply long for an authentic relationship with my two littles. 2.) I love Jesus and want to honor God by the way I treat others. 3.) I generally just love and enjoy people, so I want to do right by them.
Explore with me three reasons why you can’t lose when it comes to apologizing to your kids. Hopefully you find confidence and encouragement in a potentially difficult topic.
3 reasons saying you’re sorry is important:
1. Saying sorry increases connection and opens lines of communication with your child.
As my friend Sheena just wrote in a recent blog, “Emotions First, Behavior Second,” opening lines of communication about our feelings is incredibly important in our child’s development. Apologizing to our kids when we lose it on them after a long day can show them how we also feel stressed, overwhelmed, insecure, and nervous sometimes, and can respond poorly due to these feelings. If we can name our feelings and own our actions, we are showing them that they can too!
By being vulnerable and honest, we set the table for vulnerable and honest conversations in the future, in which hopefully they are the ones sharing. It humanizes us as parents and allows room to grow in for compassion, responsibility, honesty, and courage.
2. Sure, it models the behavior we hope to see, but more importantly we hope it shapes their hearts.
We do want our kids to be “good” and kind, but ultimately, well-behaved robots who regurgitate what we say back to us is not the goal (as if that was even a possibility?). Good behavior starts to fall apart down the road if our kids don’t know the reasons behind it, or the heart behind it.
Right now, with a 2-year-old, I am modeling (or really asking for) manners constantly with my son. Sometimes it feels janky handing him his sandwich and reminding him to thank me for it. Ha! But I must remember this is just laying the groundwork for the heart behind the “thank you,” not just the words.
We see throughout Scripture how much God cares about and for our hearts! Modeling a heart of humility and responsibility instills in our children confidence in our motives and character. God seems to care about the humility of the heart (Proverbs 21:2), purity of heart (Matthew 5:8), and honesty of the heart (Psalm 44:21), and He warns against a hard heart (Ezekiel 36:26), just to name a few. It seems that owning one’s wrongs and making amends keeps our hearts limber.
In all reality, God is the only one who can truly mold these little hearts. Ultimately, let us ask Him for help and direction in that journey as we try to model it in our home.
3. Forgiveness is extremely essential to our faith!
Acknowledging to our kids that we are in need of forgiveness and are imperfect humans (and parents) only verifies the Gospel we preach in our homes! Even us! We mess up and need grace, forgiveness, mercy, and Jesus. Praise God for Jesus and for loving us even when we fall short.
If our kids don’t see some of our humanity, we are creating an unspoken and impossible expectation of perfection. These might be strong words, but it is possibly the measuring stick they will use to gauge themselves for their young lives.
By apologizing to our children, we show them that they are lovable, worthy, and accepted even when they are in need of forgiveness too. Sometimes, especially as a parent, I need that gentle reminder for myself. Even in my failures, I am lovable, accepted, and worthy.
Our Father is the author of reconciliation. That is His thing! By apologizing, we demonstrate that it is possible to recover and repair with someone after you have messed up, highlighting the beauty of reconciliation.
What now?
Never apologized to your kids before and feels weird to start now?
By starting now, we put on display the sanctifying work of the Spirit! God brings us from death to life and doesn’t leave us in darkness. He is not done with us yet. What a beautiful thing to show our kids we never stop learning and being worked on by our Creator. Ask for help from the Father.
Here are a few pro-tips to use when apologizing to your kids:
- Name your feelings, and take the responsibility for your actions. Remind yourself and your kids that the feeling itself isn’t bad at all! It is okay to be sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. It is only how we respond/react to that feeling that can have consequences or hurt someone else.
- Use the words “I am sorry” or “Can you forgive me?” Variations of apologies can leave your kids confused or make the situation seem insincere. It is best to verbalize it and stick with these words.
- Recognize their feelings in the moment too. “I am sorry if that made you feel scared or upset. I felt upset too.” Remind them that it wasn’t your goal and that you love them.
- Ask the Lord and other wise counsel for help! His wisdom is as good as it gets.
