I think we have all been there—we are in a room full of people and yet we are standing all alone, feeling that we have no one to talk to. Or we are scrolling through our social media and are frustrated because while 500 people follow us, we don’t feel connected to any of them. Or we go to work all day, chat with coworkers, but come home alone. Your heart’s desire is to connect with people, but you just can’t do it. This is social isolation.
What does isolation in our teens look like?
Social isolation is the lack of social contacts and having few people to interact with regularly. You can live alone and not feel lonely or socially isolated, AND you can feel lonely and socially isolated while being with other people.
When I think back to my childhood/teen years, the word isolation was not in my vocabulary. Children of all ages would meet outside and play together. There wasn’t much inside keeping our attention—no computers, phones, video games, etc., so why not head outside to play? I do feel blessed to have grown up in such a way, but my children were not as fortunate. Isolation is a word in all our teenagers’ vocabularies and a condition 3 out of 4 of our students experience. This means in your close friend group of moms and dads, 3 out of 4 among their children are dealing with the same social isolation your child is! It brought me comfort to know that I wasn’t alone. It was a comfort to know parents I truly admired had children struggling like mine.
I am not an expert on combating social isolation, but I wanted to start the conversation and share with you the tools my family has used to fight this battle.
Our first reaction to our concern about our daughter’s social isolation was, “She’s just an introvert and needs alone time “or “She is shy” or “She’s a home body” and so on. Even though all these statements are true, none gave cause for the amount of time she wanted to be alone. There were red flags that took us awhile to see, because honestly, we didn’t want to. We wanted her to be okay. My husband and I realized we needed to focus on strengthening our relationship with our children. Our goal with our children is to show them the love 1 John 4:18 speaks of, and that was the lens through which we viewed the following practices.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18
Ideas for Reducing Isolation
- Start a conversation often. We were shot down a lot at first. However, when our kids realized we were not giving up, and that we were sharing our days/lives with them, they started to do the same in return. We fought for conversation and connection!
- Be available as a parent. Put the phone away, and stop folding laundry or washing dishes when your child is talking to you (Linda!).
- Do activities together. Go for a walk, take a drive, wash the dog . . . Things like this can be a great time for your teen to open up. They feel less threatened when there is an activity going on and not face to face but side to side. Plus, a shared experience helps them feel closer to us.
- Relate and validate your child. When you can, share a time you have felt lonely and how you got through it. This will show your children they aren’t alone in their feeling of loneliness. Validate their feelings, statements like “that must be so hard” or “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.” They aren’t asking you to fix it when they share; they are asking to be heard, seen, and loved. Statements that show those things are validating.
Next, my husband and I helped our children connect with others. We helped our children connect by finding groups doing things our children were already interested in. Our daughter joined a book club and volleyball, while our son joined a running group. It was a great way for them to be with people they already had something in common with.
We also started volunteering together! Our church is full of opportunities to serve as a family, and it’s a great way to meet people in a safe environment and get our attention off of ourselves. We cultivated relationships with families who had kids the same age as us, and we would host dinners or game nights. A part time job was also a great way for our kids to meet people and feel productive.
Finally, if your kids aren’t connecting with any of the above, seek someone for them to talk to, like a professional counselor, a pastor, or someone you know they would connect with.
Finally, finally, take care of you! Pray, spend time with Jesus, talk to other parents. You’re not alone on this journey. As followers of Jesus, we are part of the Body of Christ, made to be in community. By showing your teen what it looks like to live in the community of Christ, you’re leading by example and feeding your soul all at the same time!
