How many times have we rushed in to fix the problems in our children’s lives? When they are having problems making friends, we arrange play dates and schedule activities so they can “meet people.” When they are struggling with a class at school, we email the teacher with “helpful suggestions.” When our kids need a job, we over-manage the application process by going all over town to determine who is hiring. For each child in the world, there are at least 1,000 stories where we parents have stepped in to fix each situation. But you know what? It’s not our job to fix our children’s lives.
I was recently at a retreat where the speaker suggested that each time we step in like that, we are doing two things. We are telling our kids that they cannot solve their own problems and they need us to do it for them. But more than that, we are telling God we do not trust Him to care for our children.
Parents… we are standing in the way of God’s story in our kids lives by “fixing” the very experiences God has created to mold them, shape them, and mature them into who God is creating them to be.
“The cross is evidence that in the hands of the Redeemer, moments of apparent defeat become wonderful moment of grace and victory.”
Paul David Tripp, 40 Days of Hope
A Football Story
My son loved playing football in our small North Texas town where football is king. He liked hanging out with the boys at practice, wearing his orange jersey to school on Fridays, running out on the field, and doing the same warm up drills the high school varsity boys did. The problem was that although he was gifted with size, he was not particularly talented. One season, he had a line coach who was harsh in his feedback. During games, I would sit in the stands and watch the coach yelling at my son after he missed a key block or ran the wrong play. Each week, I watched my son visibly shrink in stature and confidence. It was like the air was being let out of his tires.
I was going to “fix” this. I sent emails to the head coach making “helpful suggestions” in how to better coach my son to success. I am cringing as I write this, and let’s just say my suggestions were not well received. They resulted in my son standing on the sidelines for a few weeks.
Coaching was not my job, and what I failed to understand were the lessons my son was learning. Lessons such as life is a team sport and cannot be lived alone. You need to trust the people in the trenches with you. Submission to authority is a learned skill. These weren’t football lessons; these were life skills, and God was using this experience to teach him.
“God takes the disasters of your life and makes them tools of redemption. He takes every failure and employs it as a tool of grace. The hardest things in your life become the sweetest tools of grace in His wise and loving hands.”
Paul David Tripp, 40 Days of Hope
When to step in and when to step back.
There is artistry in parenting. No two kids are alike, and what might be character-building for one child can be traumatizing to another. The artistry is knowing when to step in and “fix” things and when to step back and let your child walk through a tough season.
- Is your child’s safety at stake? You are not responsible for your child’s feelings and behavior, but you are responsible for their safety.
- Your job is to help your child learn to advocate for themselves, not do it for them. Help them analyze the situation by asking questions such as: What is it you want? What would happen if you got that? How can you go about getting that?
- Encourage your children to make small decisions for themselves starting young—what they want to wear, whether they are cold or hot, full or hungry. Teach them to listen to themselves and their own bodies.
- Encourage age-appropriate risk-taking steps. It feels like a risk to let your child figure something out himself. The fear is he might fail. Tell yourself, He must make mistakes in order to learn.
- Model what it looks and feels like to take your worry and anxiety to Christ. Let your child hear you pray over the tough situation in your child’s life. Let them see you seek direction from God in the Scriptures.
We can find peace in the knowledge of God’s presence in our kids’ lives. David reminds us in Psalm 16:5, Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. I find such great joy in stepping back and watching God mold our kids, shape them, and mature them into who He is creating them to be.
