When I became a mom, I thought I’d have most of this parenting stuff pretty well figured out. Seriously, that’s what I thought. Then my firstborn was a few weeks old and I realized that years of babysitting and teaching did not actually teach me all I needed to parent well. Ha! God has a sense of humor!
As things tend to do, you learn a lot by trial and error, and it generally all works out. Kids aren’t as fragile as you think they’ll be, they are resilient and forgiving, and they just keep on growing and hitting milestones, much to the dismay of mothers everywhere desperately trying to keep them little. But parenting a highly sensitive child has taught me so much.
When my second child arrived, she came after a miscarriage and was such a sweet answer to prayer. You guys, she was perfect. She never cried, never fussed, and was content wherever we put her. She fell asleep at 5 p.m. and slept until 7 a.m. the following morning. She would coo and smile all day. It was one of those magical experiences as a mother during that first year. Except for one thing: my husband couldn’t hold her or speak to her without her bursting into tears. Literally, every single time. If you’ve met my husband, he does in fact have a booming, imposing voice. But try as he may, there was no attempt to speak with her that wasn’t met with crocodile tears.
At first, it was adorable. After awhile though, I began to realize that she truly felt feelings much more deeply. As we entered the toddler years, discipline became incredibly difficult. On one hand, she rarely misbehaved. She spoke in the tiniest voice and was content to observe her crazy brother. She didn’t, and still doesn’t, have a rebellious or strong-willed spirit. However, she still needed *some* correction like every child, even just to keep her safe.
It became increasingly more difficult to discipline, because every tiny correction would absolutely crush her spirit. Asking her to speak up (because she pretty much spoke in a whisper) resulted in her totally shutting down. “Don’t touch the hot stove!” may as well have been a dagger to her heart. Everything I learned with my oldest, I had to unlearn. This most basic of responsibilities— DISCIPLINE—was suddenly very complicated. I had a child who needed a totally different approach to meet her needs, and it was an approach that felt very unnatural to me as a mom. Every correction I made felt like I was ruining her and that she’d forever resent me for being too harsh. What kind of mother was I if I always made her cry?
Those feelings only deepened—if I was a better mom, I’d know just what to do and how to help her navigate life through her lens of sensitivity. Instead, those big blue eyes met mine with overwhelming dread when she did something wrong. Although I know everything can’t always be a big deal, why does it always feel that way? Honestly, it was (and still is) exhausting at times. How can one kid be so easy and so hard at the same time?
Having a child who is highly sensitive isn’t a one-size-fits-all, but for us it resembled:
- Deep, thoughtful questions
- Observing most things, rather than being willing to try
- Empathy
- Emotional connection to others
- Deeply attuned to emotional stress
- Easily upset
- Intense desire for justice on behalf of others
- MANY tears. So many!
Through God’s mercy and faithfulness, He began to confirm that I was chosen specifically for her, and that God had a purpose for us. I could see where these beautiful, sensitive traits would benefit my daughter greatly in the long-run. Early on, I could see her ability to speak encouragement to someone in a way that left them feeling honored and special. I’m talking just standing in line at the grocery store! Her enthusiasm for the tiny details of life were incredibly endearing. A new jacket really was to her “the most perfect jacket that she has ever seen” and her gratitude was overwhelmingly genuine. I began to adapt and find some strategies that were more effective.
I explained the difference between correction and being in trouble.
That simple explanation seemed to help her understand that it wasn’t a personal attack on her when I remind her to put her clothes in the hamper. I could help her understand that friends weren’t making fun of her when they gave her a fun nickname. And instead of panicking internally when she cries watching “E.T.”, I can recognize that her heart is just made differently and more beautifully than I could have ever imagined.
When I began to trust and see God’s design with her, I began to also trust that His plans were perfect in choosing us as her parents.
As I observed her interacting with the world around her, I realized that I could also grow as a Christian who loves others more fully. After all, wasn’t I called to “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn”? (Ephesians 4:32) Did I truly listen, or did I tune them out? Did I get invested emotionally in their story? Did I receive their pain without judgment? Did I leave someone feeling encouraged and loved, or dismissed and ignored?
We joke that we don’t know where our daughter came from, but we do know WHO knit her together. Nothing is by chance or accident. Her heart and sensitive, gentle spirit will be an extraordinary gift one day in adulthood.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I imagine her tending to every scrape or bump with precious sincerity as she shepherds her future kindergarten class. My husband imagines her as a judge who not only cares about each individual story, but who thoughtfully and fairly executes her responsibilities. Sometimes I read Scripture that reminds me that the world needs more of the sensitivity that comes so naturally to her.
Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.
Romans 12:15
No matter what, our lives are better and we are changed people just being her parents. I see so much Jesus within her. All by God’s perfect design and for His glory alone.
