Teenage Dating

When I was maybe about in second grade, I asked my mom if she could teach me how to flirt. She looked at me and said I was going to be just fine in that area. I always had a crush on someone. I would look across the school playground and make great plans in my head. At seven, crushes and “liking” someone was cute, but once I got to be an awkward middle schooler, things like that were just, well, “awkward.” Then, when I entered high school, liking someone and wanting to date became more important and was at the top of my list of things to worry about.

Now that I am watching my own children make their way through middle school and high school, I walk a thin line between cringing and being encouraged. I struggle with the internal battle between letting them go and holding them back.

Teenage dating is not just about your teens and their dating, but about you. You have your kids’ best interests at heart, and you have loved them and nurtured them all their lives. This next step in their lives can be full of joy and excitement, but also pain and sleepless nights. While today’s teen dating is different from when we were growing up, many truths still apply.

When Should My Teen Date?

Psychologist Dr. Jean M. Twenge writes, “Contrary to the prevalent idea that children are growing up faster than previous generations did, [Gen Z] is growing up more slowly: 18-year-olds now act like 15-year-olds used to, and 13-year-olds like 10-year-olds. Teens…are more mentally [and emotionally] vulnerable.”

Ask yourself some questions about your teenagers. If you find areas that still need work, share those with your teen. Together, set some plans and goals to help them grow in these areas before starting to date:

  • Is my child mature enough to handle a breakup or rejection?
  • Is my child able to communicate well in relationships? You can look at their relationships with their siblings and friends. Do they have healthy relationships, or are they struggling to get along?
  • Is your child honest with you about their activities and friends? Honesty is an important character quality in your relationship with your child before you can trust them with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
  • Are there areas they need to grow in before dating?
  • Are they good judges of character? Who do they pick as friends, who do they follow online, and who are their influencers?

Four Phases of Dating

Remember, teenage dating today is much like your youth but also very different. Your child’s phone and friends will play a bigger role in who they like and how they test the waters.

Phase One: Stalking. In under three minutes, a teen can gather enough information about their crush from social media to know if they even want to move to the next phase.

Phase Two: Talking. If stalking proves that the target of their interest is worth moving forward, they will begin “talking.” This is not usually face-to-face talking, but rather Snapchats, DM’s, and texts. Talking can go on for months, or can last as little as a day.

Phase Three: Hanging Out. If phase two goes well, then they will want to move forward. Hanging out could happen in groups or just between the two teens, but this still may not mean they are officially “dating.”

Phase Four: Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Wait until your teen makes it a “title” relationship, as they can be hanging out and still not identify as dating yet.

Dating Lingo

I love linguistics, and listening to my teens talk is a lot like studying a foreign language. I have road-tested these on a few teens, but I do not guarantee your kids will not roll their eyes if you use their language in a conversation.

Situationships: Describes two people who are not officially dating but they do have feelings for each other.

Ghosting: Is the result of these kids’ technology communication style. If they find they are not interested in a person, their attraction doesn’t grow, or conflict occurs, they will withdraw without communication, and go radio silent.

Friend Zone: Likely to happen when a couple has been in the “talking” phase for an extended period.

Benching: Putting someone to the side to date other people.

Ick factor: When there’s a certain quality or trait about another person that your teen simply doesn’t like.

ILY: Acronym for “I Love You.”

Rizz: Stemming from the word “charisma,” rizz is similar to having “game” in the romantic sense.

Vibing: Refers to a couple between phase one and phase two of dating as they enjoy talking and getting to know each other.

Parenting and Dating

I find walking the fine line between holding tight and letting go is the hardest part of parenting as my kids get older. Letting them “hang out” or begin “dating” can feel like pure torture. This is the time to lean in and ask questions, even the uncomfortable ones. It is also good to share your own experiences. While there won’t be a one-to-one relationship experience, your teen may learn to trust you more as you trust them with your stories.

Above all, make sure your child knows their worth. They were born with inherent dignity. God loves them on their worst days and at their maximum capacity. Love begins with God, because God is love.

Additional Resources:

You can read more about Teenage Dating Here on Parenting Pathway:

Guardrails for Healthy Teenage Dating

Authors

  • Sarah Brower

    Sarah Brower is a force to be reconned with. She is wife to husband Randall for 18 years, videographer and mom to six crazy growing kids, including two sets of twins. She attended Baylor University and is a crazy Bears fan. Sarah loves the lord and is a prayer warrior for moms everywhere. She has a passion for serving her family well and walking in the footsteps of her parents who were “great parents.” She joined Parenting Pathway Moms last year and has been instrumental in helping us shape the voice of our platform.

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  • Christine Clark

    Christine Clark is the Ministry Leader for Family Ministries at Stonebriar Community Church. She has a passion for supporting parents and helping them gain confidence and tools to be spiritual leaders in their homes. She is blessed to be the mom of a one son and the wife of her college sweetheart for 25 years. She and her husband are finding their way as empty nesters, and enjoying the new found freedom that comes with this stage of life. She is also an avid sports fan who loves all things NASCAR and football, especially in the fall in Texas.

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