A few years ago, I was disembarking a plane after a long day of travel. As soon as we landed, everyone stood up and grabbed their luggage and then stood awkwardly in line waiting for the cabin doors to open and allow us to exit. When I finally reached the jetway (which was rather long), I was second in line behind a mother and her young daughter who was determined but struggling to pull a rolling suitcase that was just slightly too big for her (but super cute with all its stickers and decorations). The business traveler between us grew impatient with her progress, and when he saw an opening, he scooted around them and hurried up the jetway with an audible sigh unnoticed by the little girl but certainly noticed by her mother, who showed a look of embarrassment and concern as she attempted to hurry the child. Undeterred though, the little girl continued with the suitcase all the while saying (oblivious to those waiting in line behind her) “I can do it, mommy, I can do it.” Her mother turned toward me to allow me to pass, and in a desire to encourage her, I simply told her, “Strong girls make strong women. It’s okay, I can wait.” She broke into a thin smile and took her daughter’s hand to continue leading her up the jetway.
I wish that I could take credit for that quote, but I happened across it in my own journey as a father to my two daughters. While on a forum for bushcrafters (outdoor camping, adventuring, and primitive skills development), someone had begun a thread called “Strong girls make strong women,” and it was full of posts and pictures of grandads, uncles, and dads passing on their outdoor knowledge to granddaughters and daughters as they explored the outdoor world together.
At that time, it did get me thinking, “What do my daughters need from me?” and “What can they learn from me?” So, I cannot lay claim to all the ideas that follow, but I have been encouraged by multiple (and sometimes contrasting) sources of wisdom in my own journey as a father, and those ideas have gelled together into a bit of a “philosophy/perspective” in raising my daughters. (Don’t let the terms fool you, there’s some dad & princess magic in there).
First, every daughter needs a man.
Not an older man to boss her around or a little boy to have to take care of, but a man who has been willing to grow up (sometimes painfully) to take responsibility for his character and his actions and to care for those he loves. A man who is not threatened by her own journey to grow into maturity but is willing to walk alongside her in companionship, but also to challenge her to keep up with him in what he does and who he is. A man who stands in unique contrast to the woman in her life but in covenant partnership with her as well. A man who makes her nervous but not afraid when he is righteously angry, and a man who gives her confidence and peace when he stands up for justice and acts in grace. Not a boy to raise up, not an old man to tell her what to do, but a man who daily models for her what a man is. She’ll learn that she doesn’t need to be a man, and she’ll know how to recognize what a man does to care for and walk alongside a woman he loves.
Second, every daughter needs a daddy.
Not just a contributor to her existence or a benefactor who indulges her every whim, but a daddy who loves her unconditionally for the gift she is. A daddy who is present through tea parties, mud pies, dog training, dances, sparkling dresses, and bicycles with skulls on them (not that I would know anything about that). A daddy who affirms her when she says, “Let me try, I do it myself” and a daddy who comforts her when her level of skill doesn’t match the task at hand. A daddy notices the bids for attention, affection, and affirmation, and he calls her out with the gentleness of grace by wiping her tears, assuring the unbreakable love he has for her, and pointing her back toward the challenge with wisdom and courage to face the world again, while making her feel beautiful during the process. She’ll learn what it’s liked to be loved unconditionally, to be trained in courage, and to be resilient in her heart when the fear of rejection and isolation attempt to stop her from knowing and following her heavenly Father. A daddy will also create the picture of what God’s redemptive love looks like when the day arrives for her to make a faith step of trusting in His Son.
Last, every daughter needs a husband.
Not a lover who only uses her mother for his own emotional (or physical) pleasure, and not a rogue who manipulates her to chase after him, but a husband who loves her mother with an unending covenant love. A husband who doesn’t have a wandering eye and is faithful. The daughter witnesses it directly in the consistency of her father’s actions, and she sees the reflection in the confidence of her mother’s eyes whenever he walks out the door to engage the day. A husband who shows her mother the beautiful showmanship of love songs, flowers, gifts, and dates but also the servanthood of love in valuing, empowering, and forgiving each other in marriage. Seeing her mother and father love this way will teach her both the beauty of falling in love and equip her with the grit and tenacity that honoring marriage vows requires. Regardless of whether or not marriage is in the daughter’s future, to know what God’s covenant love for someone looks like in human form is a tremendous gift that will bolster her inner strength to follow her own Heavenly Father through the challenges and joys of life.
There is always a danger in talking in ideals. Ideals that are too high can leave us discouraged when we feel we can’t achieve them, and ideals that are too low can leave us disinterested in pursuing them. I know I wasn’t the man my girls needed when they were born; I definitely needed to continue to grow as a man. God provided what I needed through His Son, His Word, and conversations with other wiser men over cups of coffee, camping trips, massive personal failures, mentorships, and parking lot conversations. Here are a few sources that have had an incredible impact on my own journey to be a man, daddy, and husband-example for my own girls.
- The Book of Proverbs. It’s in the Bible. Read it by yourself, then talk about it with your girls over and over and over again between 11 and 21.
- Strong Fathers Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker
- Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
- The 7 Best Things Smart Teens Do by John Friel
Continue in your own journey, recognize and affirm the uniqueness of how God has shaped your daughters, set an example by your own relationship with God, trust in Christ, and support them as they find out how they can be a unique vessel of God’s grace in their world!
