A Father’s Advice for Raising Achievers

It’s a new year, and while most people don’t really support the idea of resolutions, we usually like the idea of reviewing your goals, priorities, and plans for the year. Over the holidays, my family had lots of discussions at the dinner table about what we want to focus on and what we hope for in the new year. We had a pretty good list of ideas, such as getting healthy, exercising regularly, paying off debts, reading X number books, making officer in the band, getting good grades, going on a real family vacation, etc. These ideas were great, and even inspiring, but now that we are back to our regular schedule those things seem like great ideas but not necessarily a priority.

A goal without a plan is just a wish. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Dozens of studies have validated that goal-setting is one of the traits that’s most highly correlated with being a peak performer and a successful person. Goal setting isn’t just for grown-ups; it can enhance the lives of our children also. But on the flip side, in our overachieving society where we push our younger and younger kids to be the best at something, I can see where one would want to approach goal-setting in younger children with some caution.

I recently read an article about a father of eight kids who were normally at the top of their class and successful in various activities. His advice seemed simple on the surface, but there was so much great wisdom.

“Well, there is one thing I remember doing since my kids were young,” he said. “I’d ask each child, ‘What’s your goal for this month?’ Then we’d talk for a few minutes about how they could attain it. Then I’d ask how they were doing, and if they needed any help. I guess our little talks helped my kids focus on what they wanted to achieve, and usually they were successful.”¹

His concepts were so simple and common sense that I wondered why it had not occurred to us before:

1. He would ask them. How many times have we created goals for our kids or pushed them to achieve something we (the parents) value? There is a difference between establishing values and achieving goals.  You may have a family value about doing your very best in school, but have you considered letting your child establish the goal that supports that value, like achieving an A on a science test, or winning a gold star for an art project, or getting the title of super singer in choir? When children set their own goals, they are more invested to achieve them.
2. He focused on this month. Sometimes we get so focused on what kids want to be when they grow up, or where they want to go to college, we forget about what’s going on right now in their lives. Long-term goals are great mile posts to strive for, but short-term goals are typically easier to achieve and help kids build confidence in their ability to strive for something and reach it.
3. He talked about how they could attain the goal. Most kids are not natural process thinkers, so being able to break down a project or goal into steps needs to be taught.  This requires a little artistry and flair. Walking the fine line between telling them what they need to do and letting them figure it out can be very challenging.  As we talk about moving to a mentoring and modeling approach to parenting, sharing your own stories of success and failure with your kids can help them think through their own process.
4. He asked, “How are you doing?” This doesn’t need to be a status check or a report card but instead a check in on how your kids are doing in general. What are they worried about? What are they enjoying right now? Who are they hanging out with? All these types of questions can be great indicators of undercover stress and anxiety your child might not be sharing with you.
5. He asked, “How can I help?” This is probably the hardest for many of us. Asking them how you can help versus taking over the process or setting up a project plan can be pure agony.  This is especially true if you are a parent of a child with ADHD. The chaotic nature of their thought processes can be so frustrating, when as an adult you can clearly see the next three steps. But the more you step in, the longer it will take for them to develop the skills necessary to set and achieve their goals.

The one missing step in his advice is the most important: Ask the Lord for guidance! We need to model what it means to consult the Lord before and during our goal planning. Teaching our kids to seek His guidance and His will for our lives is key to bringing their relationship with Christ into their everyday lives. There is joy and excitement when we can be amazed not only at the destination of our goals, but also at the journey.

 “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” (Proverbs 16:3)