Marriage is a tricky topic to discuss. Most of us would not be willing to hold up our marriage as an example for others to follow. After all, we know what goes on in our own homes. So I am a student of other people’s lives. I study and wonder . . . What makes their marriage work? How do they live together? What is their secret to a long marriage? I have seen uncommon marriages in which the light of God shines through their joy. I confess, I have often said to myself, “I want that.”
In my pursuit, I love reading stories of how couples have beaten the odds and risen above the challenges in their lives to find strength and contentment on the other side. When a marriage has overcome infidelity, loss, or financial struggles, and they give credit to God, I want to hear their stories. I have long been a fan of Tony Dungy. From Tony’s days as the coach of the Indianapolis Colts, to his days as a Football Analyst, I have always enjoyed his honesty, candor, and willingness to openly talk about his faith and family.
In their new book, Uncommon Influence: Saying Yes to a Purposeful Life published this year, the Dungys discuss using prayer as their central tool for managing their marriage, large family, and busy schedules. It was just released and is on my must-read list. But back in 2013, the Dungys published a book that changed the way I approach my marriage and family: Uncommon Marriage: Learning about Lasting Love and Overcoming Life’s Obstacles Together. In this book, Tony and Lauren tell their love story and share the secrets that have held them together for 40 years of marriage. It’s tempting to think their path has been easy and the road straight, but this family has battled tough, challenging times of loss, grief, and change. As they tell their story, they share their secrets for staying connected despite busy schedules, supporting each other’s dreams and goals, and helping each other grow spiritually.
The foundation of a blessed marriage, they say, is placing Jesus Christ at the center of their lives and knowing how to work as teammates. They focus on acting with “SOUL”— an acronym Tony uses to explain how successful teams operate. SOUL stands for selflessness, ownership, unity, and a larger purpose.
Selflessness in Marriage
In Uncommon Marriage, Tony shares many selfless actions that football players must be willing to do for the team to be successful. As his family grew larger, Tony realized that he would need to approach his wife and family with the same sense of selflessness. He shares how this was not natural for him or for others in his field. In most sports-coaching marriages, the COACH is the priority.
To move toward selflessness, Tony writes that he asked God for help. He asked God to shine a light on his selfishness and open his heart to being selfless in his family and marriage. He also memorized Scripture to be an ongoing mental reminder.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Philippians 2:3-4
Ownership in Marriage
Owning your role on the team is vital to great teamwork, Tony says. As a football coach, Tony saw that members of a great team owned their personal development. They also owned their mistakes and apologized for getting something wrong.
Husbands and wives need to own their roles, too. “We don’t always like our role,” Tony says. “We’ll own our role if it’s something we like.” But great team members accept responsibility for the entire role, even the parts they don’t like.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”
Hebrews 10:24
Unity in Marriage
While Lauren and Tony admit they don’t always agree, they do strive for unity. Each explains how they see their role as supporting, encouraging, and building each other up. A marriage cannot be about just one person or the other—both need to pour into each other. There will be days when one person will need more than the other, but then there will be other days when that is reciprocated.
Praying first thing in the morning helps Tony and Lauren start the day with a focus on God’s direction in their lives. Praying throughout the day allows them to handle the twists and turns that inevitably arise. They also try to end each day with a walk to debrief. Lauren explains, “We can talk about our day, what went on, and what we have scheduled for the next day. That’s an important time. It might be only half an hour, but we look forward to it.”
“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Hebrews 4:16
Larger Purpose in Marriage
“If your larger purpose is glorifying the Lord and doing something that’s going to have a bigger statement than just for you, it allows you to focus on those other three things [selflessness, ownership, and unity],” Tony says.
The Dungys chose a larger purpose when they married: to serve God and have a God-centered marriage. In their books, their encouragement to other couples is that by living a Christ-centered life and being willing to share your life with others, you will not only impact the lives of your family, but the families around you.
Other Dungy books that have influenced us include:
