Friendship must be more than closeness between two people. Otherwise, if it’s so simple, why do our kids struggle with friendships so much?
“I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy.”
—Pastor Chuck Swindoll
Friendship Is:
- A relationship between two people who view each other as important.
- Participation that is optional for both parties.
- The joy of each other’s company and doing things together.
- Essential for human happiness and wellbeing.
- Where life skills such as trust, communication, consistency, and resilience are learned.
We are designed by God to have friendships. In Genesis 2:18, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” We can certainly see the psychological and sociological value of friendship in our kids’ lives. Some of the dynamics that shape friendships can also lead to the creation of toxicity and unhealthy behaviors. Because of this, it is a good idea to keep the channels of communication open with our kids about their friends. Here are a few conversation ideas to engage your child.
Friendship discussion questions:
- What makes a good friend?
- Who is your closest friend, and why do you like them?
- Do you think opposite gender friends are important? Why?
- What is the best way to make new friends?
Friendship Groups
Many parents have lain awake at night worrying about the group of friends their child is connected to. Are the kids mean on the playground? Seen as “easy marks” and susceptible to bullying? Encouraging self-destructive behavior or a dark outlook on life? The activities of a friend group cause the reward centers of teens brains to activate oxytocin, a bonding hormones and endorphins which improve our children’s outlook overall. How can we tell if our kids are running with an unhealthy group of friends?
The number one thing to look for is a sudden change in behavior that does not align with your family values. Does your child talk disrespectfully to you, hide things, not share details of their friends and activities? These behaviors should pique your interest to dig in more.
Friendship group discussion questions:
- What makes a good friend versus what makes a bad friend?
- Why do you like the friends you have now?
- How do you feel when you are with them?
- Do you ever want to be friends with other groups of kids?
It is important to remember that kids can learn as much from bad friendships as they can from good ones. While it is tempting to step in and ban them from certain friendships, they will gain more by identifying unhealthy relationships independently. Self-selection and self-reflection will make it easier for them to step away if necessary.
Best Friends
Best friends are significant relationships with one person in our kids’ lives that teach them how to develop and maintain a deeper and more personal connection. Best friends remind us that we are worthy of special and personal devotion.
Best friends can last a lifetime, or just a season, but are essential in the development of our sense of self. A preschooler will have a “best friend” of the moment and not even know their name, but as our children reach their teen years, the best friend relationship is an essential safe harbor against the push and pull of everyday life.
In the best of circumstances, we love our kids’ best friends like our own, but often they would not be first choice for friends. As with a group of friends, we want to help our kids make their own assessment of their friends by engaging them in conversations.
Best friend discussion questions:
- What do you and your best friend have in common? What do you like doing together?
- Does your best friend support you and your interests?
- Has your best friend ever told you the truth, even when you didn’t want to hear it?
- What makes you feel good when you are hanging out with them? What leaves you feeling yucky?
Online Friendships
Gen Z and the upcoming Gen Alpha are more likely to view online friendships from social media and gaming platforms as common and provide the sense of community most kids desire. These relationships encourage comments and offer appreciation (likes) and discussions much like an offline group of friends. While we might be quick to judge these friendships as not “real,” kids are more likely to spend time with online friends daily than with in-person friends.
However, it is as easy for kids to access unhealthy relationships online as in person. They may feel emboldened to present themselves as someone they are not online. And we can see where the isolation of online relationships can stand in the way of their ability to develop in-person relationships.
Despite this, online friendships are not going away. In fact, the trend of exclusive online friends is growing. It is important to talk openly with our children and teens about their online friends. Keep the communication open to ensure they feel safe and heard should they find themselves in a dangerous situation.
Online friendship discussion questions
- Who would you say are your closest friends online? How did you meet them?
- What do you share with these friends?
- What is something you share with your online friends that you wish you could share with your other friends?
Friendship is the space where teens begin to understand and define who they are. As parents we can help them facilitate these relationships at any age. Open conversations will help guide them to making their own decisions about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
